all hallows fun

so now i will join with the millions of my mommy blogging sisters and post pictures of my children dressed in their holiday foolishness. although, since it's me you're dealing with you will not see any lovely, posed photos of cherubic children sitting quietly pre-sugar rush to model mommy's handiwork. not because i think that's stupid... i'd love to show off my work.

nope. i just forgot, of course.

so here's what i do have:

captain mystery flaunts his stuff (wings belong to fairy in back). he
chose to wear a winter glove on his right hand in honor of annakin skywalker
who famously lost his hand battling count dukoo. this had nothing
to do with his costume.

CM's sidekick "diaper man" looks adorable in complete costume for about
five minutes. masks were quickly removed, as they were found to obstruct almost
all peripheral vision.

trick-or-treating with peeps in the hood.

(this had high potential for disaster, as E and justin have been acting like
fools the past few times they have hung out.
never fear.. a few not-so-veiled threats of flushing candy down the toilet for
bad behavior and they turned into angels. ok, maybe "angels" is a bit extreme but hey,
nobody punched anyone in the face. i think that's progress!)

cat that followed us home and remains on my porch even as i type this blog.

brother of above cat, who also has taken up residence on my front step.

gorging ourselves on candy until we felt like doing handstands.
(K: "i wike candy, mommy! i wike wowwipops!")

one of two children who succumbed to sugar coma within 60 seconds of
head hitting pillow.

found on my camera as i downloaded pictures today

i have no idea when this was taken.

i swear that's not my bra.

and is that some kind of animal strapped to his lower torso?

this brings so many questions to mind.

sewing frenzy

aaagh!

halloween is tomorrow!

why, why, why, why, did no one stop me as i decided to sew our own costumes this year? i know i can be a stubborn old bitch, but please! why didn't anyone try to talk sense into me?!

superheroes are what we are going to be. a whole family of 'em. all i need to do is sew the capes but now it's down to the wire and i am no where near finished.

of course i'm not! i can't ever get anything done on time! did i honestly think this would be different?!

calm down, calm down.

no time for blogging.

must sew. otherwise the children will make their own costumes and will go out looking like this:

dear zoloft mom 3

it's fan mail friday* again! so soon!

dear zoloft mom,

my firstborn is quite a high maintenance child. he looks to be about the size of your older child. i am wondering two things:

1. where exactly did you purchase his cage?
2. approximately how many holes would you say the cage needs in order for the child to have enaugf ir for life?

thank you in advance,
needing a moment (or an hour) of peace.
--------------------------------------------------------

dear needing,

thank you for your question about the cages. i have received so many inquiries about this item!

you are right to conclude that a cage may be the solution for hectic days with your child. i can't tell you the peace of mind i feel when my son is in his! i can sit back, read the paper, get dinner made... it is so useful.

so on to your questions.

1. my particular cage was purchased at ikea. now, i know that not everyone is so blessed to live near this wonderful store. so please do not worry if you are in this group. with a little creativity you can find a child cage in your area as well!

there are so many different, everyday household items that can be used to restrain your child in a pinch. would you believe mine is a laundry hamper? you could also use a garbage can (with lid, of course), a chest of drawers, even a large duffel bag! once you open your eyes to the possibilities you will find they are everywhere.

2. air holes. this is very important to remember. with out the proper ventilation the whole situation could take a tragic turn. please be sure to ensure you have adequate irflow for the age and size of your child. i have come up with a formula that might serve as a good starting point for you:

( weight of child in kgs. x amount of time to be in cage) / age of child = number of holes for enaugh ir.

i hope this information has been helpful and wish you the best of luck! write us back soon and tell us all the things you have been able to accomplish!

have a great weekend!

zoloft mom


* to my readers: please note that all letters in "dear zoloft mom" posts are real, from actual fan mail received each week. if you have a question or problem relating to parenting and would like zoloft mom's help, write to: zoloftmom@juno.com.

hamburger people

our friday afternoon scene:

E at kitchen table. making people out of play-doh. grinding them into hamburger.

cause for concern?

you tell me.

star wars thing

all i wanted to do was vacuum the fucking rug.

is that so much to ask?

but i should have known. i already told you how it is over here when i try to clean. and i knew from the way things had been going up until that point that the little man was in a gem of a mood. what was i thinking?

but i'm getting ahead of myself.

it is 10:52 a.m. 8 more minutes of sesame street remain and the floors are a mess. i've been trying for days (days!) to get at least one rug vacuumed with no luck.

the crumbs are piling up.

i assess my situation. elmo is about ready to sing, k is clearly winding up. is there time?

i wrestle the machine out of its closet and plug it in. 10:54.

oh no, now k is getting distracted. i watch out of the corner of my eye as he turns away from the tv, starts to amble toward his toy trains.

can i do it?

i glance at the dust bunnies staring at me from the corner. i have to chance it.

my eye catches the broom standing alone, propped against the wall. i grab it, hand it to k. here, honey! sweep the trains! mommy will be right back.

i dive into the other room, begin vacuuming at a frantic pace. never mind about moving furniture! just get the big stuff! does my little hoover have the power to suck up that marble? must try! no time to pick it up! i hear elmo singing in the background... i'm doing it! almost done. just get behind the drumset and..

"mommy!"

keep going. just one more minute. must finish.

"mommy!mommy i do it! i make a star wars thing!"

oh shit. what?

"mommy, i bang it and i make a star wars thing!"

i pause, consider the meaning of this statement and realize i have no clue what he is talking about. but a little voice in my head tells me to turn off the vacuum and go check things out.

"what did you do, k?"

"i bang it! and i make a star wars thing!"

i round the corner into my living room and find

broom on the floor, glass on the rug.

fuck.

fucking, fucking, fucking shit.

"i bang it, mommy."

i look at my two year old son, standing innocently by what is left of my window. i am speechless, furious, dumbfounded and yet mildly entertained all at the same time.

"i make a star wars thing."

yes, you did, my friend. yes, you did.

i turn my gaze toward the clock.

10:57.

and it took you all of 3 minutes to do it.

that kind of day

in a moment of foolishness i washed the car yesterday.

today, not 24 hours later, this is what i found on my windshield:


it's fitting, really.

it's just been a bird shit kind of day.

adventures in spelling

E is in kindergarten now and the big thing he is learning is reading "sight words". he now has a whole list of words with which he is becoming familiar enough to read without sounding out.

the first of these he learned was the word "the" and it is the one he knows the best so far. he recognizes it everywhere! i had no idea how ubiquitous that little combination of letters was but it really is all over town. even so, E never tires of the hunt as we drive around, which is exactly what was happening as we headed to target yesterday.

"t-h-e!!! look mommy, t-h-e!!"

"yeah, E. that's so cool! you found it!"

"hey, there it is again!!" (10 seconds later) "i found t-h-e again! mommy! i found it!!"

"yep, you sure did! great job!"

(30 seconds after that) "mommy!mommy!!..."

and so on and so forth. you get the picture.

this whole time, K is sitting quietly by in his carseat, soaking up the whole scene. he's not talking but i can tell as i glance back at him that his mind is going a mile a minute.

E pipes up again, "MOMMMY! i can't believe it! t-h-e! again! t-h-e!!!! right over there!"

at which point i hear K reply with something that sounds like "t-u-s dah or!"

E stops. i'm confused. K is clearly very pleased with himself by the look of delight on his face. but what did he say?

"what did you say, K? are you spelling, too?"

he repeats himself, "t-we-s dah org!!"

huh?

and then it hits me:

"pbs.org"


i'm so proud.

enaugh ir

to the person who reviewed my blog (on linkreferral) and wrote,

"The third picture is bad. This child has not enaugh ir for life.."

were you referring to the photo of my son in a laundry hamper? did you mean to say that you were worried about the sufficiency of AIR that was able to reach him while inside this mesh basket?

well, i thank you for your concern. i do realize that my posts may seem very serious in nature as they appear to tackle some very heavy subjects,

such as children locking themselves in cages.

and pica.

and feces contaminated bathwater.

and the very sobering topic of parents withholding food from their children.

but i assure you that i would never, never, never lock my child in a real cage or any other container.

and if i did, it would only be if it was absolutely necessary..

and even then i would take the advice of one of my readers and be sure to poke holes in the lid.

ode to our gff

our gff is gone.
she went home today.
and now we are sad
that she went away.

oh, gff!
why did you leave?
you can tell we feel blue
by the snot on our sleeve.

that grandma french fry
she sure is a phlyscreme*.
we love her a lot
even more than our ice cream.

*phlyscreme: (flahys'-kreem) n. a very fun sort of grandmother, enjoyable to be around and very loving.

good times with gff!!

would you go to this garage sale?

and if you did, what would you do if you encountered this?

or this?

dear zoloft mom 2

well, looky there. i'm a big fat liar.

i totally forgot it's fan mail friday! so dry your eyes and put away the tissues for now, little ones. it's a bonus post for you!


dear zoloftmom:

what does it mean that all the dollies in my house are naked?

sincerely,
eyebrows raised
_____________________________________________________________

dear eyebrows,

i think you and i both know what that means.
you've got a little pervert in the house.

much love,

zoloft mom

grandma french fry

hey ya'all, grandma french fry is in the house!!

that's my mom,yo. she's come to visit all the way from michigan!

E and K settled on the moniker after much deliberation. "grandma old mcdonalds" and "grandma ketchup" were in the running for a while. but in the end it was agreed that french fries are what she eats most and thus it was only appropriate that she be named after them.

obviously, with this excitement, blogging will be on the back burner for a few days. i might post but i just can't promise anything before sunday. we've got french fries to eat!

until then, be entertained with this.. a little gem i unearthed while clearing out the fridge.

hey, stupid

K has been a crazy man this week. he has recently learned that he can push his mother's buttons by saying naughty words and so tries this any chance he gets.

like today at trader joe's when he yelled, "BYE, DUMBHEAD!!!" to our cashier as we walked out the door.

"HEY, STUPID!!" is another favorite. he is indiscriminate with this one and fires it off at random.

and i about choked when he came up with "YOU'RE A STINKY BALLS!" the other day as we were driving in the car.

but the best one is a result of the boys learning about the game "king of the castle".

i don't think they even have a clue how to play the game but they love to yell, "i'm the king of the castle! you're the dirty rascal!!".

the latter part morphed into "you're the dirty master!!!" for a while, and that was annoying enough. but then today as we passed a sweet white haired grandma in the grocery store parking lot K yelled in a sing-song voice,

"YOU'RE THE DIRTY BASTER!"

needless to say, the look on her face told me she thought she had heard something else.

being cagey

completely on his own without any encouragement from me, E has made a cage for himself and locked himself in!

this is too good to be true.

his words: "hey! being in a cage isn't so bad, mommy!"

i couldn't have planned this better if i had tried.

think of all the things i'll get done!

fun news!

i love google analytics.

without them, how would i be able to know that someone found my blog by googling "soccer moms bound and gagged"?

i did a google image search with the same phrase and discovered these ladies.

you just never know what you're gonna find on that internet.

if you need to get ahold of me...

...i guess you shouldn't call me on my cell.

sad boy

do you see this boy?
and do you see this boy's tear?

why does the boy look sad?

because his mommy will not give him cookies.

no cookies for the boy?

oh no, the boy had one cookie.
but he wanted another.
his mommy said 'no'.

and so this boy threw a fit.
a very big fit.
a fit for more cookies.

this boy is tired.

poor one-cookie boy.

dear zoloft mom

dear zoloft mom,

is 10:12 a.m. too early for a diet coke?

sincerely,
thirsty
---------------------
dear thirsty,

sister, please. 10:12 a.m.? diet coke?

for the record, it is NEVER too early for a diet coke. or too late for that matter. consider yourself lucky that this is all it takes to get you through the day and drink up.

remember, however, that if it's whiskey you crave you must wait until at least 10:30 a.m.

signed,

ZM

just wondering.

um, just wondering. does anyone else have a husband who thinks this is a good way to put away paint tools?

cleaning madness

i should be cleaning the bathroom. my mother-in-law is coming over tomorrow and i fear she will be thrown into a state of cardiac arrest when she smells the urine festering around the base of my toilet and sees the fungi thriving at the edge of my tub. BUT at this point i'm just not in the mood for any of it, quite frankly. and so am giving the whole cleaning process a big middle finger.

what's new, right?

i don't know what it's like at your house, but over here i have to make a choice. i can either have a clean house OR i can be an attentive mommy/have happy kids but the two cannot exist simultaneously. i cannot keep my house looking respectable and hang out with my kids enough. it just can't happen.

but since the cleanest person i know is coming for a visit tomorrow i figured i should try to shoo some of the germies out of this filthy hole. the children, of course, were less than pleased.

E was in an especially lovely mood and drew pictures like this all day

and even thought he'd try calling his mother a "Dumbhead". (!!!)

K thought it would be fun to hurl peaches from his high chair at lunchtime and declare, "mommy, i need consekwuns".

they made all kinds of mischief throughout the day. they practiced some new bad words, threw sand in each other's mouth, beat each other with sticks, pushed, poked and shoved. all this while whining at me and begging every few minutes for me to play with them.

it was as they were yelling "you're a dumb dumb!" to my neighbor that i suddenly realized it's just not worth it. this is the reason i never clean! i would rather live in a happy home than in a germ free zone, i guess. so we ditched the cleaning plan and played scooters in the driveway for the rest of the afternoon.

it was the right thing to do, but now my toilet is still filthy.

but i'm sure my MIL won't care. the sweet smiles of her happy grandchildren will make her forget the moldy grout in the bathtub, right?

my car

i have come to a realization. no, i have realized it long ago but only now am i owning it:

my car is a pigsty.

no more pretending when i'm around my clean carred mommy friends that they are just catching me and my car on an off day.(oops! i am TOTALLY on my way to the car wash right after this! can you believe that bird pooped on the front and back AND side of my car just on my way to school? )

guess what, guys? that's a damn lie! that bird poop has been there for a month!

and you know how i acted all shocked like that door ding on my passenger side was something new i was seeing for the first time? it wasn't. it's been there at least a year.

no longer am i going to hurry to the car after kindergarten, shove my kids in and rush to slam the door before any of the soccer moms catch a glimpse my back seat with its crushed goldfish crackers, shredded toy magazines, dirty tissues, half empty sippy cups, E's crumpled homework assignment, 12 pacifiers, the donut from last saturday and the bagel from this morning's breakfast as well as countless (dirty) items of my children's clothing.

no more excuses. no more charades.

i'm just a dirty, dirty girl with a nasty, shithole car that i don't even try to keep clean anymore.


damn, that feels good.

good day

well, at least i know why ours has been a house of whiny, irritating people lately. we all woke up this morning with cases of booger nose and sore throats. ah, winter colds. how i've missed thee.

in other news, my beloved monkeys have been acting like gems today (save for a little run-of-the-mill pummeling and standard head whomping). they really haven't been annoying me at all! isn't that strange?

they've been playing together so nicely. i woke up to find them in the corner in their newly created "breastfeeding spot", sweetly nursing their stuffed animals. i guess this is what happens to the children of baby nurses. no bottles for our teddy bears!

then they were reading together in the hallway for a good ten minutes! usually when they are together that long and QUIET it means that someone has either been knocked unconscious or has been bound and gagged.


later they were side by side on the floor drawing together. E was kindly showing his two year old brother how to draw guns and other killing apparatuses. i think this particular lesson was on "how to draw a double-barreled KX124 blaster". sweet sibling harmony.

we closed the day with stories together on the bed. E requested a halloween story because "i'm way more into that holiday than the other ones like christmas. i like all the dead, scarey people and stuff." i chose to ignore my inner fears of raising a psychopath and oblige him just this once.

now M is out playing basketball and i'm realizing that a sore throat is a very good excuse to ingest a very large bowl of ice cream with no guilt. (pay no mind to the number of times that i find excuses for consuming desserts.)

it's been a good day.

recipe for disaster

3 five year old boys
+
one bag of chocolates
+
one busy dinner party
+
no naps
+
lots of adrenaline
+
croquet mallets
=

to all of you counting the minutes til 5 pm

may i suggest cheeseburgers at a mcdonald's with a playland and ice cream cones for dessert.

have a great weekend!

tired.

i'm tired today, fools!

didn't have much time for the blogosphere as i spent all day trying to make the laundry my bitch. it didn't work, though. i'm still the laundry's bitch.

in addition, my children continue to act as though they are possessed by demons. what is up with all the whining and fighting these days? and the head chopping, laser shooting and general violent behavior is at an all time high. if i get my torso cut in half by one more light- saber-wielding storm trooper i'm going to scream!

i swear, if i ever meet that george lucas i'm going to kick his ass.

this mommy is ready for a break.

well, i guess i'll go stare into space and drool a while before heading to bed.

our afternoon

things are not improving.

first, it was Walk Your Ass To School Day (or something like that) which is never good when you live on the farthest end of the district.

in addition, for this one it appears to be Act Like A Demon Child Day, Disrespect Your Mother Day and Beat Your Brother Over The Head Day. here is a picture of him observing Don't Give A Shit That You're In Time Out Day:

for the older brother it seems to be Draw All Over Your Body Day and maybe Take Your Underwear Off And Pretend Like You're A Superhero Day.


you can probably guess that i'm celebrating Start Drinking Early Day and Take Your Family Out For Dinner Night.

our morning

really, this might be a tmi. read at your own risk.

i tell M that there are certain moments in my life when i know i need to blog. those are the times when i am so completely caught off guard by something one or more of my children is doing that i'm rendered speechless.

so that happened to me today but even as i write this i'm not sure if it's appropriate to tell you.

is there anything that's too gross for a blog? it's my blog, right?

i'll start typing and see how it feels.

yesterday i was changing K's diaper and he was being silly. "i touch it, mommy! i touch it!!" this is a game he plays that he finds incredibly entertaining. he pretends to try to touch the nastiness while i scramble to change the dirty pants as fast as i can.

i was playing along, as i always do. "oh no! oh no! don't touch it! dirty!" but i admit i was maybe laughing a teeny weeny bit.

the diaper was mostly changed and it was then that let my guard down, glancing briefly to the side for some reason that i can't remember anymore.

and that's when he did it. he landed a finger in the poop.

for a split second our eyes met. i froze, unsure what to do. he paused too, shocked at his success but with a look of sheer delight in his eyes.

and then he popped his finger into his mouth and licked it off.

inappropriate?

i'm working on a new post for you but i just don't know if you can see it. ever.

be ready for some serious grossness ahead.

maybe i will treat you with the disgusting-fest tomorrow.

saturday fun

i'm here! i'm here!

i know i've been a blogging loser but don't i get a break? i call myself zoloft mom and still you give me shit? besides, my other career leaves me VERY busy on sundays with LOTS of INCREDIBLY important work to do.

i'm sure you've been dying to know how the garage sale turned out. i can see you now: checking the blog every few hours, unable to get it out of your mind, desperate to know how things went...

well,we sold a lot of stuff and made enough money to get some take out that night (always a treat). i didn't put a free sign out but did eat way too many donuts. after that i was just too tired for much of anything.

here are some pics for your viewing enjoyment:

K and friend find new home in old shelf

K putting gravel in stereo

E and K rescuing old dirty catepillar from free pile

M being ridiculous in the hope of getting posted on blog

i would have more pictures of E but he and justin were strung out on donuts in the backyard. i think they were ripping branches off my fruit trees or kicking each other's asses or something.