for m&m

i'm not even trying to potty train K and already it's spinning out of control.

it all started a while back when K decided he wanted to pee on his kiddy toilet before a bath. i thought this was fine and decided not to make a big deal out of it. he was happy, i wasn't stressing, it was a good setup.

until E remembered one day that he used to get a reward for doing his duties, so to speak.

E: "hey, mommy..... didn't i used to get, like, m & m's or something when i would go to the bathroom?"

(i will point out that the only way the child is even able to recall this memory is because he refused to stop shitting his pants until he was quite old. i believe to this day that when he finally did begin to do his deal in the toilet it was only because he had assessed the pros and cons of both options and had somehow found the toilet preferable, not that he was "trained" at all. )

K didn't need to hear this twice. "I GET AN M&M! I GET AN M&M!" and in an instant the "potty for reward" concept was re-introduced into my home.

i started out firm. one m&m for pee, two for a poop. no exceptions.

this worked for a while and K would head to the bathroom with a joyful call,

"I GET AN M&M FOR POTTY!"

but he soon discovered that he could manipulate the process a bit. i noticed this one day as he sat to pee. he plopped himself down, squeaked out a few drops and quickly declared,

"I GET AN M&M!"

i assessed his results. it didn't seem like much, but who was i to tell a young child that his urine output wasn't sufficient to gain the chocolate reward? especially when those big blue eyes were staring so sweetly back at me.

so i handed over the candy, which he gobbled down. and then he headed right back to the toilet, sat down and pushed out a few more drops.

"I GET ANOTHER M&M FOR WEE WEE!!" he shrieked with glee.

i had been duped.

since then things have only gotten worse. "i get an m&m for wee wee," has become "i do a weewee for m&m," this might not seem that different to you, but to me it signifies a distinct change of focus. whereas previously the goal was the wee wee, the object now is clearly only to get the candy. i find this slightly disturbing.

but today in target was the all time low.

K had declared to the entire toy section that,"I HAVE A POOP COMING!" and had begun to make the poop face. i didn't have a diaper (of course) and thought this might be a good teaching moment. so i scooped him into my arms and ran directly to the restrooms where i plopped him on the toilet and waited for the imminent results.

(silence.)

K:"no poop, mommy"

me: "oh, that's okay, honey."

(quiet, muffled sounds in toilet)

K:"oh! i do a fart, mommy!"

me: "good, good job. maybe the poop will come later."

K: "no, no.. i do a fart for M&M!!"

i could hear the woman in the next stall giggling...

cleaning madness

i should be cleaning the bathroom. my mother-in-law is coming over tomorrow and i fear she will be thrown into a state of cardiac arrest when she smells the urine festering around the base of my toilet and sees the fungi thriving at the edge of my tub. BUT at this point i'm just not in the mood for any of it, quite frankly. and so am giving the whole cleaning process a big middle finger.

what's new, right?

i don't know what it's like at your house, but over here i have to make a choice. i can either have a clean house OR i can be an attentive mommy/have happy kids but the two cannot exist simultaneously. i cannot keep my house looking respectable and hang out with my kids enough. it just can't happen.

but since the cleanest person i know is coming for a visit tomorrow i figured i should try to shoo some of the germies out of this filthy hole. the children, of course, were less than pleased.

E was in an especially lovely mood and drew pictures like this all day

and even thought he'd try calling his mother a "Dumbhead". (!!!)

K thought it would be fun to hurl peaches from his high chair at lunchtime and declare, "mommy, i need consekwuns".

they made all kinds of mischief throughout the day. they practiced some new bad words, threw sand in each other's mouth, beat each other with sticks, pushed, poked and shoved. all this while whining at me and begging every few minutes for me to play with them.

it was as they were yelling "you're a dumb dumb!" to my neighbor that i suddenly realized it's just not worth it. this is the reason i never clean! i would rather live in a happy home than in a germ free zone, i guess. so we ditched the cleaning plan and played scooters in the driveway for the rest of the afternoon.

it was the right thing to do, but now my toilet is still filthy.

but i'm sure my MIL won't care. the sweet smiles of her happy grandchildren will make her forget the moldy grout in the bathtub, right?