for m&m

i'm not even trying to potty train K and already it's spinning out of control.

it all started a while back when K decided he wanted to pee on his kiddy toilet before a bath. i thought this was fine and decided not to make a big deal out of it. he was happy, i wasn't stressing, it was a good setup.

until E remembered one day that he used to get a reward for doing his duties, so to speak.

E: "hey, mommy..... didn't i used to get, like, m & m's or something when i would go to the bathroom?"

(i will point out that the only way the child is even able to recall this memory is because he refused to stop shitting his pants until he was quite old. i believe to this day that when he finally did begin to do his deal in the toilet it was only because he had assessed the pros and cons of both options and had somehow found the toilet preferable, not that he was "trained" at all. )

K didn't need to hear this twice. "I GET AN M&M! I GET AN M&M!" and in an instant the "potty for reward" concept was re-introduced into my home.

i started out firm. one m&m for pee, two for a poop. no exceptions.

this worked for a while and K would head to the bathroom with a joyful call,

"I GET AN M&M FOR POTTY!"

but he soon discovered that he could manipulate the process a bit. i noticed this one day as he sat to pee. he plopped himself down, squeaked out a few drops and quickly declared,

"I GET AN M&M!"

i assessed his results. it didn't seem like much, but who was i to tell a young child that his urine output wasn't sufficient to gain the chocolate reward? especially when those big blue eyes were staring so sweetly back at me.

so i handed over the candy, which he gobbled down. and then he headed right back to the toilet, sat down and pushed out a few more drops.

"I GET ANOTHER M&M FOR WEE WEE!!" he shrieked with glee.

i had been duped.

since then things have only gotten worse. "i get an m&m for wee wee," has become "i do a weewee for m&m," this might not seem that different to you, but to me it signifies a distinct change of focus. whereas previously the goal was the wee wee, the object now is clearly only to get the candy. i find this slightly disturbing.

but today in target was the all time low.

K had declared to the entire toy section that,"I HAVE A POOP COMING!" and had begun to make the poop face. i didn't have a diaper (of course) and thought this might be a good teaching moment. so i scooped him into my arms and ran directly to the restrooms where i plopped him on the toilet and waited for the imminent results.

(silence.)

K:"no poop, mommy"

me: "oh, that's okay, honey."

(quiet, muffled sounds in toilet)

K:"oh! i do a fart, mommy!"

me: "good, good job. maybe the poop will come later."

K: "no, no.. i do a fart for M&M!!"

i could hear the woman in the next stall giggling...

commando K

this is a first.

K and i were in the kitchen doing something, exactly what i cannot recall and is not at all important.

i noticed K was abnormally quiet. the constant chatter that normally streams from his mouth had momentarily ceased.

i looked over at him.

oh...

poopface.

(do your kids do this? they stop, mid-sentence, mid-conversation, mid-bite, mid-whatever and stand, mouth agape, eyes reddening and slightly watery as they strain to fill their pants? )

me: "hey buddy, looks like you have a poop! want mommy to change it?"

K:"no, mommy. i want to stand wiv it for a widdle bit."

this is K's latest thing. he dirties the diaper but then, because he is immersed in some other activity or maybe just doesn't want to be bothered, he prefers to wait a while until the diaper is changed, thus "standing wiv it". i, being the lazy mother that i am, oblige him this very readily.

i returned to my previous activity, happy to have a momentary reprieve.

but then,

K: "oh, mommy! what it doing?"

huh? i glanced up to find K standing confused as he stared at his pantleg.

K: "what it doing, mommy? what i got?"

as he began to walk toward me i saw, suddenly, that little pieces of poop were dropping out, one by one from the bottom of K's blue jeans.

what the..? was his diaper loose? how was this happening?

as more pooplets exited with each step i noticed that the front of K's pants were wet as well.

now this was a puzzle. what kind of crazy diaper experience was happening in those pants?

my mind raced backward as i attempted to recall the events of that morning. what had i been doing when i dressed K? had i been so distracted that i hadn't pulled those velcro tabs tight enough?

i grabbed K to check down his pants. and as another turd rolled to the floor i realized my mistake. it wasn't that i hadn't tightened the diaper enough...

i had completely forgotten to put the diaper on at all.



i guess it's finally time to wash that kitchen floor....

stop the presses!

rejoice! rejoice!!
let everyone lift hands high in celebration!!

behold!
the youngest child has done a poop
in the toilet!

let no one doubt the power of the m&m!
the m&m is strong!
it can turn the will of even the red-headed child!
the m&m brings victory in the bathroom!

dear zoloft mom 4

once again, fan mail friday!*


dear zoloft mom,

my small daughter is watching my bigger son go poop. she is squatting for best line of sight and cheering when one comes out. what does this mean?

sincerely,
grossed out

----------------------------

dear grossed,

uh.... that's kind of messed up. i mean, that's really disgusting.

all i can think is that your daughter must have some kind of problem or something.

zoloft mom

* to my readers: please note that all letters in "dear zoloft mom" posts are real, from actual fan mail received each week. if you have a question or problem relating to parenting and would like zoloft mom's help, write to: zoloftmom@juno.com.

really, this might be a tmi. read at your own risk.

i tell M that there are certain moments in my life when i know i need to blog. those are the times when i am so completely caught off guard by something one or more of my children is doing that i'm rendered speechless.

so that happened to me today but even as i write this i'm not sure if it's appropriate to tell you.

is there anything that's too gross for a blog? it's my blog, right?

i'll start typing and see how it feels.

yesterday i was changing K's diaper and he was being silly. "i touch it, mommy! i touch it!!" this is a game he plays that he finds incredibly entertaining. he pretends to try to touch the nastiness while i scramble to change the dirty pants as fast as i can.

i was playing along, as i always do. "oh no! oh no! don't touch it! dirty!" but i admit i was maybe laughing a teeny weeny bit.

the diaper was mostly changed and it was then that let my guard down, glancing briefly to the side for some reason that i can't remember anymore.

and that's when he did it. he landed a finger in the poop.

for a split second our eyes met. i froze, unsure what to do. he paused too, shocked at his success but with a look of sheer delight in his eyes.

and then he popped his finger into his mouth and licked it off.