you never know what they're going to bring home from school these days.

i was in the living room when E burst into the house.

"hey mom!" he called to me from the kitchen.

"hey mom! i have three balls!!!"

i didn't answer, as i like to proceed with caution in any conversation involving balls.

"moooom!" (giggles) "i've got THREE balls! guess what kind they are!"

"uhh..." i was nervous, "um, basketball, soccer and football?"

"football is one kind. but i have TWO more! guess what kind they are!" this was followed by more giggles.

i was getting increasingly uncomfortable but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"i don't know, E, maybe golf and a wiffle ball?"

"nope!" (fits of giggling) " i have TWO and they are the same kind!"

two balls? the same kind? uncontrollable laughter? it could only be one thing.

that was it. i wasn't going to stand for this first grade immaturity. and also, this was a completely inappropriate way to be joking around with one's mother.

"E! are you saying something kind of naughty?!?!" i stormed into the kitchen.

only to encounter my giggling son...

...holding his football and TWO oranges.

oh.

is it really what's on the inside that counts?

E was like a little tornado as he came to give me a good night hug.

jumping from chair to chair, climbing up chair backs, springing onto the couch next to me then finally landing in my lap, all the time giggling wildly. (hey,was that a manic look i caught in his eyes? this was supposed to be bedtime!)

as he wrapped his arms around my neck to say good night, he pressed his flushed little face next to my ear and offered, in a crazed whisper:

"mommy! i'm an ALIEN inside!!!!!" then leaped to the floor and scurried off to bed.

and you know what? i believe him.

it just explains so much.

200,50,000??

E: "mommy, how many seconds have i been alive?"

me: "ohhhhh... a lot, honey. i'm not sure i could count all of them."

E: "like two thousand fifty hundred?"

me: "no, more."

E: "like, one hundred thousand five hundred thousand?"

me: "no, even more than that."

E: "like...one hundred thousand thousand five ten fifty thousand thousand thousand thousand thousand thousand hundred?

(pause)

me: "yes."

E: "that's kind of what i thought."

drum set girl

K was counting family members.

"we have me... E... mommy... and daddy!" he paused, looking around.
then, "we used to have a sister but we don't have her anymore."

this was something new. i did a quick memory check. had i given birth to another child at one point and forgotten? no, definitely not. what then? was there something in our past that could have been mistaken as a sister that was now causing this conversation? i decided to dig deeper.

what was her name, K?

"hers name was drum set girl." (nodding) " she was fun. "

daddy caught wind of our convo and joined in.

"what did she look like?"

"oh, she have yewwow hair." (again, very confident.)

"oooh, yellow haired drumset girl! what happened to her?"

"she had to go bye bye. she was too bespensive."

and there you have it.

silly me

when he said, "mommy, i want some peanut butter and jewwy"

i thought he meant that he wanted it with bread..

...not just to gnaw it off the top of the bread.

here we go again

i suppose it's time to buy the child a belt.

new pants

i bought K some new jeans with an elastic waist.

he's wearing them today for the first time and he's been doing this all day:

for m&m

i'm not even trying to potty train K and already it's spinning out of control.

it all started a while back when K decided he wanted to pee on his kiddy toilet before a bath. i thought this was fine and decided not to make a big deal out of it. he was happy, i wasn't stressing, it was a good setup.

until E remembered one day that he used to get a reward for doing his duties, so to speak.

E: "hey, mommy..... didn't i used to get, like, m & m's or something when i would go to the bathroom?"

(i will point out that the only way the child is even able to recall this memory is because he refused to stop shitting his pants until he was quite old. i believe to this day that when he finally did begin to do his deal in the toilet it was only because he had assessed the pros and cons of both options and had somehow found the toilet preferable, not that he was "trained" at all. )

K didn't need to hear this twice. "I GET AN M&M! I GET AN M&M!" and in an instant the "potty for reward" concept was re-introduced into my home.

i started out firm. one m&m for pee, two for a poop. no exceptions.

this worked for a while and K would head to the bathroom with a joyful call,

"I GET AN M&M FOR POTTY!"

but he soon discovered that he could manipulate the process a bit. i noticed this one day as he sat to pee. he plopped himself down, squeaked out a few drops and quickly declared,

"I GET AN M&M!"

i assessed his results. it didn't seem like much, but who was i to tell a young child that his urine output wasn't sufficient to gain the chocolate reward? especially when those big blue eyes were staring so sweetly back at me.

so i handed over the candy, which he gobbled down. and then he headed right back to the toilet, sat down and pushed out a few more drops.

"I GET ANOTHER M&M FOR WEE WEE!!" he shrieked with glee.

i had been duped.

since then things have only gotten worse. "i get an m&m for wee wee," has become "i do a weewee for m&m," this might not seem that different to you, but to me it signifies a distinct change of focus. whereas previously the goal was the wee wee, the object now is clearly only to get the candy. i find this slightly disturbing.

but today in target was the all time low.

K had declared to the entire toy section that,"I HAVE A POOP COMING!" and had begun to make the poop face. i didn't have a diaper (of course) and thought this might be a good teaching moment. so i scooped him into my arms and ran directly to the restrooms where i plopped him on the toilet and waited for the imminent results.

(silence.)

K:"no poop, mommy"

me: "oh, that's okay, honey."

(quiet, muffled sounds in toilet)

K:"oh! i do a fart, mommy!"

me: "good, good job. maybe the poop will come later."

K: "no, no.. i do a fart for M&M!!"

i could hear the woman in the next stall giggling...

why husbands cannot be trusted with children

!!!!

no pepper puzzle

i went to the grocery store this morning specifically to buy the red pepper that i needed for this evening's meal.

i bought the red pepper.

now the pepper is no where to be found.

how do you misplace a pepper?

am i going crazy?
or have the mice now learned how to open the fridge?

west coast cuties

what a crazy little west coast family i have.

this is what they do when it gets cold out. you know, cold....like 50 degrees.

look closely. poor little k was so excited to play "snowy time"
(did i mention it was just 50 degrees?)
but the sweet boy just didn't have a clue.
note my scarf around his neck, garden glove on left hand, slippers on the feet, old sweashirt worn as winter coat.

they think they're cold!
if only they knew how i used to have to walk 9 miles barefoot
in the west michigan snow every day for the whole winter just to get to school!

those goofy kids.

halloween might be over....

...but costume fever lives on.