painful truth

reading books this morning with K.

me: "see, there's a daddy whale and a baby whale..."

K: "oh, no no no. it's a mommy whale. you can tell because mommies have big tummies."

me (feeling nervous): "they do? why do mommies have big tummies?"

K : "they have big tummies because they have babies in there."

me (relieved) "but your mommy doesn't have a baby in her tummy right?"

K :"nope."

me (deciding to still push the point) "so her tummy isn't big."

K :"no, your tummy is just fat."

me (refusing to drop the subject, who knows why.) "no, mommy's tummy isn't fat is it?"

K: "yeah it is. look right there!" (pointing) "it's really, really fat right there."


that little brat.
he's soooo cocky.

maybe i should tell him that his ass doesn't look exactly small in those pull ups he wears, either.

do you feel ignored?

i know, i know. i just haven't been giving you the attention you deserve lately.

i do love you! i just have other things going on right now.

no, no, it's not you. it's me, i promise! i just need to do some prioritizing in my life to make more space for us.

once i get things sorted out i'll be back.

overheard

E: "hey daddy! check out my super-master-blaster-super-disturbing-killer-
machine-gun that i just made out of duplos!"

(okay, okay, maybe that was paraphrased, but you get the idea)

M: "ooooooh... that's great, E. but remember we don't have guns in the house and we never, ever point guns at people."

E: "oh, right...."

(silence)

E: "hey! i've got an idea!"

M: "what's that?"

E: "it could be a love gun! and we could shoot love at everybody!"

light sabers: a theme and variations

someone has been a bit obsessed lately.

and another one down

well, almost down. now M feels like shit but he's not throwing up... yet.

this is an interesting development since we all know that sunday his main event. how does a superstar call in sick? we'll see what happens.

so now i am the last (wo)man standing.

i celebrated this fact by spending my day frantically cleaning house, washing laundry and doing any other household chore i could think of just in case the pukies come my way.

then i went next door and wasted away the rest of my afternoon watching E almost drown and drinking margaritas at my neighbor's graduation/pool party.

alcohol kills germs, right? ha.

stay tuned.

another one bites the dust

K started throwing up this morning at 2:15 a.m.

the fools are out

we made it!

we had lots of fun,


we played with our friends,

we said our goodbyes,
and we even shed a little tear

as we left kindergarten behind.

and what now,then?
looking ahead to a summer of excitement?
eagerly anticipating life as a first grader?

well, yes....
all in good time i'm sure.

but now, my friends...
for the moment, at least..

we are puking.

!!

the face of evil

E: "mommy i just was in the back yard and i saw an evil spirit."

me: "really?"

E: "yes! really!"

me: "sooo...what did it look like?"

E: "wellllll..... it kind of looked like..... daddy."

mommy brain drain

uh oh.

i gots no more big words and i talk bad.

where did all the good words go in my brain? i used to know lots!

am i a dummy?

can't think of any grown up words. that's bad!

anybody else have this too?

please help!

how do i get smarter again?

what do you do to make your brain stay good?

i'm just saying

it's a good thing that there are only four more days left in the school year
because i'm about ready to kill all them bitches.

um, not there...

potty training has been so successful this past week that K thinks he might want to do a poop on the grass at the school BBQ picnic tonight.

"yeah! if i feew it i will just pull down my pants and poop right there!"

wish me luck.

he stopped it, though

K would like you to know that he was not hurting the Bitch,

he "was just wiggling her eyes and peeking in dem
to check and make sure dere was still bwood in dem. "
"i stopped (doing) it, though."

shhhhhhhh!

today i felt like i was on the verge of jumping off the roof and so i conducted a little experiment.

i wondered if my very chatty children would be able to be quiet for one full minute.

so i said to them, "hey, guys! let's see how long you can be quiet! mommy wants to know if you can be quiet for a whole minute! we'll time it! let's see!"

one minute. 60 seconds. 1/60 of an hour.

and do you think they made it?

to be fair, they tried. but no, no they did not make it.

but how long do you think they lasted?

maybe you should guess.
let's make it into a game.

choose one.

my children were able to shut their traps close their mouths and stop their incessant yapping be completely silent for all of:

a. 47 seconds
b. 21 seconds
c. 13 seconds
d. 2 seconds