Friday, November 30, 2007

no pepper puzzle

i went to the grocery store this morning specifically to buy the red pepper that i needed for this evening's meal.

i bought the red pepper.

now the pepper is no where to be found.

how do you misplace a pepper?

am i going crazy?
or have the mice now learned how to open the fridge?

another loooong friday afternoon

why do i bother?


E is so very, very, very wiry when he gets home from because he is TIRED.

so i try to make him take a quiet time in his room for 45 minutes. all he is required to do during this time is to remain in his room and do things that are of a semi-quiet nature. this should not be difficult.

today this is what he did.

he first decided he was a puppy and, after whining in his doorway for the 5 minutes it took me to put his brother down for a nap, dragged his stuffed animals with his teeth to make this pile just outside the door to his room:

when reminded that he was to stay within his bedroom's four walls, he retreated..

...and then proceeded to open and shut the door to his room for the next 5 minutes.

i calmly went over to his room and asked him in a nice voice if he would please fucking stop it.

he did.
and actually found something quiet to do for maybe 7 minutes.

then he came out and asked if his quiet time was done yet (despite having a clock in his room)...

...and showed me the lego blaster he had made and tried to discuss the specifics of this particular gun compared to the other ones he has made in the past ("see how this shooting part is longer? and the trigger is different. but mommy, i just want to show you how i used this one long piece in the handle...")

then he went to the bathroom..

...on the way back stopped to ask if quiet time was done yet....

...and came back out two minutes later to beg in his whiniest voice,"pleeeeeeeez, can i juuuuust come sit by you if i promise to be reaaalllly quiet? it's so haaaaard to be in there by myseeelf."

i sent him back three times.

after the fourth request he broke me down. unable to bear the constant interruptions any longer, i said he could sit on the couch if he DIDN'T TALK AT ALL.

he promised. of course.

but then two minutes later was telling me about this cool craft they did at school and wondering if we could do it too. did we have any scrap paper? because mrs. h, his teacher had this really cool paper they used and they cut it into shapes and then they glued it to paper and it was really, really, fun and cool and...

...can i have some candy? whhhhyyyyyy not?

... can i have a piece of pie?

...then he showed me five pictures of dogs he found in his book...

... and moments later fell off the couch (on purpose) and rolled on the floor as he attempted to sneak toward the kitchen and escape into the backyard.

at which point i lost my mind and sent him back to his room for the remainder of the time.

he now has five more minutes to go and just came out dressed like this: ask me if he could have a playdate with EVERETT.


this is why i drink.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

more santa dramz

the mailman took the letter. i caught him at my mailbox looking puzzled and wondering what to do as he stared E's envelope clipped there. after my brief explanation he offered to take the letter today and return it tomorrow (with a twinkle in his eye! i love our mailman)

E was, of course, very excited that the letter had been successfully mailed. ("did he say he knew where the north pole was, mommy? does he know where santa lives?")

later in the afternoon we passed a postal vehicle with a foreign (as in, not ours) mailman inside. E was quick to notice this fact.

"hey, mommy! i just saw a post office truck but it had a different mail guy inside! that's probably because ours is at the north pole delivering our letter, huh?"

soooo.... does anyone know where i can get a cute dog for cheap?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

santa skeptic

after reading the last post, M informed me that he took E to the mall today.

when E heard that santa might be there, he was insistent that M ask santa first if he was the real one.

if he was real, then E was going to talk with him about a pet and tell him a letter was on the way to his house.

but if santa said he wasn't real then E just wasn't going to waste his time.

santa talk

we are thinking about getting a pet for christmas. remember the kitties? E has been obsessed with getting an animal since then and asks all the time.

"pleeeeeeeeeeeez can we get a dog or a cat or something, mommy? pleeeeeeez?"

and because this whiny talk disgusts me and is as annoying as fingernails on a chalkboard i always say,


(i tell myself i am not being mean, just secretive.)

today E and i were sitting in the living room together when suddenly he burst into tears.


clearly he was a bit upset.

i tried to console him.

"E, that's just what i have to say. you know i can't say yes to anything you ask for for christmas. then you would know what you're getting."


i realized my logical approach was not working. what this boy needed was hope.. but what could i do?

me: "hey! you've asked me, but did you ask santa yet?"

now, this is a ridiculous thing i did. we have never talked about santa in this house. at least we've never talked about him as being real. it's just never been an issue. so i was on new ground with the introduction of the santa-as-real concept.

E stopped. blinked.

E: "but mommy, he's not real."

me: "how do you know?"

E: "i've just heard people talking about it." (he was obviously confused, never having heard the type of talk come out of his mother's mouth.)

me: "like who?"


E: "uh, you. right, mommy?"

poor buddy. his world was turning upside down and i was causing it. but what other choice did i have? i just couldn't handle a meltdown. so i kept going.

me: "he's in the mall, isn't he?" (again, new ground. we hardly ever go to the mall.)

silence as E paused to consider this.

"well, how do you know if that one is a real one?"

"ummmm..i guess you'd just have to figure that out." (i hadn't really thought this conversation through, was totally winging it. still, i tried to appear confident.)

what transpired after this point was a bit more back and forth between the two of us, as i convinced my five-year-old son (who has, may i remind you, never believed in santa in his entire life) that the man might really exist.

which led to him writing a letter to santa and posting it on the mailbox. this almost caused another meltdown as the boy does not really know how to write, but when we figured out that santa would understand drawings just as well as words all was right again in the world.

so there the letter sits, waiting for the mailman to come tomorrow.
("mommy, if i just write 'the north pole' will they know where to take it?)

all because i wanted to give a little boy some hope.

Monday, November 26, 2007

keywords again

it's time again to celebrate the keywords that have brought new readers to my site!

according to the omniscience of google analytics, many a crazy googled word has sent new friends my way this month. here are some of my favorites:

"italian slang for stupid" (i can't figure this match out, but i suspect it might have had something to do with my son's affinity for the word "stupid".)

"fat moms boys" (fat mom's boys? fat moms' boys? fat moms and boys? so many questions..)

"mom hair" (maybe this one was an image search)

"zoloft for bitches" ( as opposed to zoloft for dudes?)

then there is the slightly disturbing:

"winter gloves sewn on animal faces" (??? i have no words.)

and my favorite:

"mom pervert" (because both you and i know that i am, but i'm so glad google has figured it out as well.)

Sunday, November 25, 2007

sunday morning

K (as we were getting ready this morning):


me too, buddy. me too.

Friday, November 23, 2007

catching you up

it has been a crazy week! rodents, turkeys... i've just had no time to blog! anway, for those who care, here are a few of the week's highlights..
tuesday was E's thanksgiving program.
this is a picture of him dressed in full turkey program finery.
seriously, does anyone understand that bow?
i peeked around and it seemed
like all the other parents thought it was adorable,
but i was just confused.

wednesday was a day off from school. E, who was still
excited from his program the day before opted to "play pilgrim" all
day long. this consisted of dressing in a tuxedo jacket, drawing
pictures (see above) of ourselves crossing the bridge to a new land
and building plymouth rock in the front yard.
we played this game all day

...except for a small break to pretend we were doggies and drink water out
of bowls on the floor.

on wednesday night i was awakened by yet another rodent.
this one was stuck in my mixing bowls.
i was, of course, disgusted but sadly wasn't that surprised.
we have officially become a rat's nest now.


on thursday i am proud to say that i got up and ran my first
5k in 10 years! since i will never show my face
on this blog (especially after running!) this photo
will serve as my proof.
(*please note: i did have a picture of my race number here
but have since deleted it. i was informed that by using that number,
one could find out all kinds of personal info about me!
and i just can't have you all knowing my secrets, can i?)

on the way to grandma's later that day K informed me that,
"mommy, i got a booger in my mouf and i eating it."
then added, "it taste wike tomato and zucchini and ONION!"
mmmmm.. delicious. (maybe that's why he didn't eat any turkey later... )

today was back to the usual. M had to work and so boys and i hung out.
i have nothing to report except that i did find out that E and his cousins DIDN'T show each other their private parts yesterday at grandmas' house even though they DID play private parts club.

oh yeah, AND hayden at school sings a REALLY funny song about his penis.

that's our week!
i'm off to bed.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

chapter 3

i am trying to make pies for tomorrow.

i have just discovered my sugar bag has a hole in it.
a hole gnawed by a rodent.

further inspection reveals that my white and wheat flour have similar, yet larger problems and the bottom of my pantry cupboard is covered in mouse shitlets and urine.

i am disgusted beyond belief.

making matters worse, i have found a leaky pipe beneath my kitchen sink. the water that drips from this pipe is soaking even more rodent feces below.

i want to scream.

the only thing saving me right now is the fact that K has discovered the performance indicator light on my vacuum and is watching it go on and off as he vacuums himself.

Monday, November 19, 2007

the end.


oh no!







the mouse the mouse the mouse the mouse the mouse is back!

well, its ugly half-brother is back.

it just ran across the kitchen floor and under my sink! right in front of us!

stay tuned! we are going to murder that little bastard!

Thursday, November 15, 2007


yo bitches,

what up. don't everybody start freaking out at once, but this ZM is headed out of town for the wizeekend!

so if you do not see a post please do not send me lots of irritating mail. just please take a deep breath and hold on to your panties til monday.

i will talk to you all again then!

peace out.


E has made a new sign.

isn't this nice? he made it the other morning after i had asked him to make his bed.

disgusted, he ran into his room and penned this lovely page and hung it next to his bed for all of us to see. pay no attention to the brown. the message is clear.

NO. (not today! not tomorrow! not ever! so stop asking! the answer will not change!)

isn't it so wonderful that he is learning to read and to express himself using the written word?

in the case of ZM vs. beast

please score one point for me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


how can you just sit there at a time like this?!?!

do you not see this picture? don't you know what is happening?!?!?

i have a fucking mouse!
in my bedroom!

k dropped his bottle the other night and it rolled under my bed. apparently, it still had some milk in it. and now look! look what that horrible little creature did for a drink!

oh, how awful! how disgusting! a rodent under my bed! scurrying around beneath me while i sleep! making little nests and having babies in my hair! tunneling into my mattress and growing into a big, fat rat that eats my face!

maybe i will sleep in the bathtub. surely, he won't be able to get me there... right?


is anyone else having trouble viewing my photos from my last few posts? i think it's a blogger thing, but i have no idea for sure.

let me know if you can or can't see them. it might help me figure out what's going on!

stuck in the grille of my car

obviously, i have a problem.

i tried prying it out with a stick but no luck. all that i got out was a bunch of flies. k offered to get it out with his bare hands but the thought of that almost made me puke.

does anyone have any suggestions?

send 'em quick, before mr. birdie becomes mr. stinky.

Monday, November 12, 2007

west coast cuties

what a crazy little west coast family i have.
this is what they do when it gets cold out. you know, 50 degrees.

look closely. poor little k was so excited to play "snowy time"
(did i mention it was just 50 degrees?)
but the sweet boy just didn't have a clue.
note my scarf around his neck, garden glove on left hand, slippers on the feet, old sweashirt worn as winter coat.

they think they're cold!
if only they knew how i used to have to walk 9 miles barefoot
in the west michigan snow every day for the whole winter just to get to school!

those goofy kids.

Friday, November 9, 2007

friday car ride

so, no lie. here it is.

it was late friday afternoon. sun was shining. birds were singing. the boys and i were out running a few errands before the weekend began. the world was mine.


E: "mommy?"

me: (somewhat distracted as i soaked in the sunshine, listening to talk radio in the background) mmmmmmmhm?

E: "mommy, do you know what everett said to some of the girls on the playground the other day?"

now, let me just pause right here and say that i should have known. i really should have. everett is a little boy in E's kindergarten class and the stories i have heard thus far about him have not been good. but he's six.. and i thought how bad can it be? plus, i was in a good mood.

me: "no, what did he say, honey?"

(i want you to prepare yourselves)

E: "he called them..

(please get ready)

...fat, bearded bitches."

(i will pause here to let that sink in.)

and now i will tell you that E apparently repeated that phrase on the playground that day.

what's a mother to do?

is he just trying those words out? should i make a big deal? what if he starts saying "fat, bearded bitch" to everyone?! what if he says it to his grandmother? is this the first step of many on the road to being a mass murderer, a sociopath, an outcast of society?!

what the hell am i supposed to do?

what would you do?

are there any voices of experience out there that can offer some wise words of advice? or commiseration?

i'll just be over here, pouring myself a stiff drink while i wait for you fat, bearded bitches to write me back.

friday afternoon

look who woke up on the wrong side of bed after his nap today.

this, combined with the fact that i just inhaled a fruit fly up my nose, is making for a very complicated friday afternoon.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

stop the presses!

rejoice! rejoice!!
let everyone lift hands high in celebration!!

the youngest child has done a poop
in the toilet!

let no one doubt the power of the m&m!
the m&m is strong!
it can turn the will of even the red-headed child!
the m&m brings victory in the bathroom!


hmmm... let's see.

two votes ror applesauce, one for poop, and another for black tar heroin.

reeeeeeeally good guesses, guys. i'm impressed.

surprisingly, however, none of you figured out the mystery substance. it was hummus. couldn't you tell? that's what happens to garbanzo bean paste if it's not refrigerated for two weeks.

well, don't be discouraged if you were stumped. i've been finding lots of disgustingness lately so stay tuned for more fun and games in the next few weeks.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

something fun to pass the time

while i am recovering from my party, let's play a little game.

it's called, "guess the nastiness" and this is how you play: i show you something nasty and you guess what it is. ha ha.

so i will give you until tomorrow to figure out what this delicious treat is.

clue: i found it in my diaper bag.

Monday, November 5, 2007

chill, baby, chill

i can just feel the hysteria mounting, the underpants wadding...

where is the post?!?!? why has she not written anything since (gasp!) saturday?!?!

listen up, ya'll. i have gone a little crazy and have agreed to:

1. a houseguest for two nights and
2. a soiree with 20 women in my home tomorrow night!!

so momma might not be bloggin tonight. or maybe i will. i might just do whatever i want!

but for now i've got some pubes calling my name from the base of my toilet and a little mystery smell to find before my company arrives.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

pillow talk

in an adorable moment of family cuteness (which you will just have to imagine, since i did not take a picture) we were all reading a book before bed together tonight in my room.

subject: rabbits. (ever since the kitties, E has been obsessed with pets and so got this book about bunnies yesterday at school.)

E: "hey, mommy. i've been meaning to ask you this. why are we able to talk but animals can't?"

(it suddenly occured to me that i really had no idea why exactly we can talk. something in the brain? did he want specifics? why was he asking? was there an obvious answer that was eluding me because my brain is turning to mush? worse yet.. did i have early onset alzheimers? i decided to stall. throw the question back at him. see what he already knew.)

me: "yeah, E! why do you think that is?"

E: "well i did notice that we have way less fur than animals. they have it all over their bodies and we just have a little bit."

me (relieved, realizing that maybe i didn't need to get too technical at this moment. at least he wasn't looking for the name of the particular area of the brain. you never know what they learn in school these days...): "good point. and did you also know that our brains are a lot bigger than animals, too?"

(that must have something to do with it, right?)

i looked at M for input.

M:"yeah, we have super smart brains!" (ah, look. daddy doesn't know either!)

to which K replied with his own two cents: "i got weally big, smart DUMBHEAD bwain!"

what more can you say after that?

Friday, November 2, 2007

dear zoloft mom 4

once again, fan mail friday!*

dear zoloft mom,

my small daughter is watching my bigger son go poop. she is squatting for best line of sight and cheering when one comes out. what does this mean?

grossed out


dear grossed,

uh.... that's kind of messed up. i mean, that's really disgusting.

all i can think is that your daughter must have some kind of problem or something.

zoloft mom

* to my readers: please note that all letters in "dear zoloft mom" posts are real, from actual fan mail received each week. if you have a question or problem relating to parenting and would like zoloft mom's help, write to:

halloween might be over....

...but costume fever lives on.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

the question

to stuff ourselves...

or to pace ourselves...

that is the question.