Thursday, January 31, 2008

two year old politics

K and i were riding in the car and listening to NPR.

i was absorbed in the political talk, as i have been for the past few weeks and K was quiet, listening, looking out the window, picking his toe jam, etc.

talk on the radio turned to barack obama, a name with which my son is quite familiar.

K: "hey! mommy! they talking bout barack obama!"

my heart swelled with pride at the sound of my sweet boy so adept at pronouncing the name.

me:"that's right, K!"

K: "i wike him." (nodding) "i wike barack obama. he's good."

i had to agree.

he was quiet again for a few more moments as we both listened to the broadcast.

and then,

K: "but i going to ask for mike huckabee."

what?! ( i assumed he meant "vote for" him.) where was this from?

me: "mike huckabee?"

K: " yep. i wike mike huckabee. he's nice."

me (curious): "what do you like about him, K?"

K: " i wike him becuz when he come to my house he will say, 'hey! K! you want to pway wif me?' wike dat. and i will say, 'okay!'"


what can you say to that logic?

but that still doesn't explain how he learned about mike huckabee in the first place.


perhaps grandma has been talking a bit of politics with the grandchildren these days?

here we go again

i suppose it's time to buy the child a belt.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

young love

E came home very excited from school yesterday and declared to me with a look of satisfaction on his face,

"mommy! i figured out who i'm going to marry!"

i had an idea who he had chosen for his bride. there is a little girl in his class who he absolutely adores and talks about incessantly each day after school. but i know this is a very exciting discovery to make, even for a five year old. and so i decided to ask him anyway, just so he could have the pleasure of telling me.

"that's great, E! who is it?"

the answer was just as i expected,

"it's sophia, mommy. i'm going to marry her because i love her."

how sweet.

i replied with what i felt was the next logical question,

"oh, E. that's so nice. and does she want to marry you, too?"

E stopped.

the smile disappeared as a troubled look came over his face.



is that how it works, mommy?"

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

my twisted reality

what happens when 5 year olds are allowed
to brush their teeth unsupervised.

5:40 p.m.

i know that it's 5:40
and the kids are hungry,
dinner needs to come out of the oven,
the laundry should be folded,
the dog would like a walk,
the floor is covered with children's toys
and there is a mystery smell that is waiting to be discovered...

but right now i just want to sit on my ass.

Monday, January 28, 2008

oh shit! i got tagged!


do you even know what this is?

well (how to say so you will understand?).. in the blogosphere there is such a thing as a meme. it's like a topic for a blog post, or something like that. and it gets passed from one blogger to another in the form of a tag. as in one person gets tagged with the meme, blogs about that particular topic and then tags some other bloggers to do the same. make sense?

so i got tagged today.

i have been dreading this day.

i am not a real blogger! i don't get awards. i don't advertise. i don't even make my blog look pretty. isn't it obvious that i'm just too frazzled for anything else?!?!?!

but now someone very nice has tagged me.

and because absolutely nothing interesting happened to me today (except K dressing up like a dancing girl, E throwing more fits and my doctor's office calling to schedule me for a sigmoidoscopy) and since i was already wondering what to blog about, i will do this silly thing they call "meme".

how long have you been blogging?

since august of last year. to know exactly how long i have blogging would require me to know today's date and i'm afraid i don't. (seriously.. what month is it?)

what inspired you to start your blog and who are your mentors?

i was inspired to start my blog on the evening my two year old son pooed on the bathroom floor and then had diarrhea in the tub while taking a bath.

my mentors are charles shaw and captain morgan.

are you trying to make money on line or are you just doing it for fun?

believe me. i am making no money.
look at this blog! does it look like i do anything with it at all? (please see above)
i suppose i'd love to make some cash if i could but that would require a lot more work and quite frankly, i just don't have the energy.

what 3 things do you love about being on line?

1. etsy
2. ebay
3. porn

what 3 things do you struggle with on line?

1. etsy
2. ebay
3. porn

well, that's it folks. i guess that wasn't so bad. do you feel like you know me better now?

much thanks to gypsy at heart at the leaping thought for calling me out of my comfort zone. i guess i won't kick your ass just yet.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

14 straight hours of children

sick with snotty noses.
daddy off to work.
when will i shower?

stuck inside the house because it was raining,
no where to go.
television zombies,
toys everywhere.
someone, please pour me a drink.

short afternoon nap,
temper tantrums at grandma's house.
sugar rush,
no sleep on the car ride home.
i am ready to scream.

10 p.m.
sitting for the first time all day.
brain mush,
no energy for blogging.
where do i turn in my resignation?

not to the thre

because of all this sickness i have been pretty tired lately.

and so the other day as K napped i decided i would try to get some shut-eye as well. E was contentedly reading his books on the couch near me and i asked him to please wake me in a half an hour.

"when the big hand is on the three, that's when you wake me up."

he seemed agreeable enough. he never really loves it when i nap, he'd rather have my full attention every minute of the day. but this time i was actually surprised at how well he did as i slept.

quarter after the hour came quickly and E awakened me, as instructed.

"time to wake up, mommy. the big hand is on the three!" what a sweet boy.

i was still wiping the sleep boogers from my eyes and trying to get my bearings when i noticed that the child was standing next to me expectantly.

i looked up.

he was holding a neatly folded white piece of paper in his hand and had a slight grin on his face as he gazed down at me.

E: "i have something, mommy. but i don't think you'll like it."

( i was intrigued. but i knew by now that if i acted too interested he'd never show me. the trick was to play it cool.)

me: "oh, mhmm?"

he clutched the paper a little tighter.

E: "i drew something while you were sleeping, mommy, but i can't show you cuz i think you'll be mad."

the grin on his face widened and i detected a glint of mischief in his eyes.

(now i had to see it!)

i got up and walked into the kitchen in an effort to appear completely bored.

me: "oh, that's fine. i don't want to see it anyway."

(i prayed that my plan would work.)

there was silence in the living room as he deliberated. i held my breath.

E:"oh.... okay, mommy. i guess i'll show you.. but you're gonna be mad."

he unfolded his paper to reveal his sketch:

"Not to the thre", by ERH
in which E, disgruntled at being asked
to rouse his mother at quarter past the hour,
chops of her hed with a hatchet
as she cries in protest.


i suppose i asked for it.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

injustice continued

the fun's not over, folks. not yet, at least.

E stayed home sick from school today. his tonsils are so swollen that one is stuck to his uvula and the other has a horrible white blister on it. gross, huh?

yours truly had to head back to the doctor today, as my "symptoms" have not fully resolved. the applesauce diet is getting kind of old, as you might imagine. i could really go for a cheeseburger.

K, who really is fine, has decided he would like to be sick like the rest of us as it seems like a great way to get out of anything he does not want to do. as in,

"noooooo, i can't go to bed cuz i sick."

he's also found that it is a great excuse for naughty behavior:

"mommy, i kick da doggie cuz i sick."

oh yeah? well, mommy forgot to make your dinner because i'm sick. and i can't change your poopy diaper either!

soooooo....we're a fun bunch.

want to come over for a playdate?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

diarrheal injustice

i had planned to spend the past few days partying and having fun with my sister-friend but instead i got a horrific stomach bug and spent the weekend on the shitter.

i'm mostly better now, except for the fact that i am not allowed to eat anything but bananas, rice, applesauce and toast for the next few days.

so i guess aunt kone and i won't be getting drunk over thai food tonight like we planned, will we?


drinking 7up over a plate of white rice just wouldn't be the same.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

aunt kone!!

i'm going to be on a bit of a blogging hiatus again for a few days.

don't get all worked up!

i know this is useless to say. you will insist on being sad and sending me whiny emails begging for posts but i will stand firm.

(or maybe i won't.)

the reason for the hiatus is a good one.

auntie kone is here!

for those of you who don't know aunt kone, you should. she is one of my nearest and dearest and i have known her as long as i have known M!

that's a damn long time, bitches!

so i'm putting the zoloft back on the shelf and i'm going to have a good time with my sistah.

and you are just going to have to deal.

in your sadness please try to enjoy this picture i took of aunt kone.

because who doesn't love a picture of a hot chick frying bacon?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

free* to good home

two year old male
up to date on shots

*minimal rehoming fee

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

images from a napless tuesday

can you feel the insanity?

nothing nice to say

yesterday M decided that it was time for K to give up his bobo (pacifier).

so at nap time K threw a hairy fit for about two hours and then finally went to sleep after his father bribed him with chocolate.

today daddy is at work.

K has been in his crib for an hour and a half now and there is no sign of sleep in sight. he has pulled of his diaper, thrown his blankets, pillows, stuffed animals and socks on the floor and has been wailing, crying, screaming off and on for most of the time.

he is only quiet right now because i bribed him with pancakes.

i am ready to jump off the roof.

or maybe i'll just throw daddy off the roof.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

i need a drink.

the children have returned.

the wad of bread is gone, sneezed onto a shirt.

all that remains is two tired children in horrible moods.

vacation is suddenly, sadly, definitely over.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

vacation antics and bread wads

i know how you all get so i just thought i'd warn you. the kids are at their grandparents for the night and so i will not be blogging about their antics.

instead, i will be up to my own antics, if you know what i mean.

here's a little story for you to enjoy during my break.

during the hour long car ride to get to their house, K, who was in desperate need of a nap, had shoved a piece of his cheese sandwich up his nose in an effort to resist having to sleep in his carseat.

have you ever tried to teach a two year old to blow his nose? it's impossible.

every time i would tell him to blow he would instead do a big SNORT and i would see the bread wad inch a little further up toward his brain.

(mind you,i was trying to do this while wedged between two carseats as we maneuvered afternoon traffic on the interstate.)

he also doesn't know how to pick his nose (and i wasn't going to let E do it, even though he offered) so i had to leave him with his grandparents all bread clogged.

let grandma handle it.

i'm on vacation.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

two year old drama

as is typical for children his age, K loves to throw a fit when things do not go his way.

if he does not get exactly what he wants (ie: four pieces of bacon for dinner, unlimited television viewing, to be allowed to beat his older brother on the head with a drumstick... you know, rational things) he throws back his head and lets out the most annoying (100% fake) wail.


which is followed by an almost immediate release of large amounts of snot and drool from his nose and mouth. it's very dramatic.

sometimes, when he's really pissed ( at me) and wants to add a little extra dig to the tantrum he will yell,



which just totally ticks me off.

but today he went for a different approach.

when he fell out of the backseat of the car onto the pavement after engaging in a pushing match with his brother he yelled,



new pants

i bought K some new jeans with an elastic waist.

he's wearing them today for the first time and he's been doing this all day:

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

try it, mommy

here's something interesting that happened today.

as we sat vegging together, me at my computer (where else?) and K watching sesame street, the boy suddenly handed me this:

and said, "try it, mommy." then turned back toward the television, once again mesmerized by a dancing elmo.

i was confused. try it? a computer cord?


i looked to him for explanation but it was clear he was worlds away. i returned my gaze to the cord.

wait, was that moisture i felt on the cord?

the entire thing was sort of wettish, kind of...


"K! did you put this in your mouth?!?!"

no response.

"K! were you sucking on this?!?"

he turned to me with a very bored, two year old couch potato look.

"yep, mommy.... "

it was then that i saw the cord was STILL PLUGGED IN TO THE WALL ON THE OTHER END.

" feel kind of buzzy in my mouth."


how this child remains alive is sometimes a mystery to me.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

for m&m

i'm not even trying to potty train K and already it's spinning out of control.

it all started a while back when K decided he wanted to pee on his kiddy toilet before a bath. i thought this was fine and decided not to make a big deal out of it. he was happy, i wasn't stressing, it was a good setup.

until E remembered one day that he used to get a reward for doing his duties, so to speak.

E: "hey, mommy..... didn't i used to get, like, m & m's or something when i would go to the bathroom?"

(i will point out that the only way the child is even able to recall this memory is because he refused to stop shitting his pants until he was quite old. i believe to this day that when he finally did begin to do his deal in the toilet it was only because he had assessed the pros and cons of both options and had somehow found the toilet preferable, not that he was "trained" at all. )

K didn't need to hear this twice. "I GET AN M&M! I GET AN M&M!" and in an instant the "potty for reward" concept was re-introduced into my home.

i started out firm. one m&m for pee, two for a poop. no exceptions.

this worked for a while and K would head to the bathroom with a joyful call,


but he soon discovered that he could manipulate the process a bit. i noticed this one day as he sat to pee. he plopped himself down, squeaked out a few drops and quickly declared,


i assessed his results. it didn't seem like much, but who was i to tell a young child that his urine output wasn't sufficient to gain the chocolate reward? especially when those big blue eyes were staring so sweetly back at me.

so i handed over the candy, which he gobbled down. and then he headed right back to the toilet, sat down and pushed out a few more drops.

"I GET ANOTHER M&M FOR WEE WEE!!" he shrieked with glee.

i had been duped.

since then things have only gotten worse. "i get an m&m for wee wee," has become "i do a weewee for m&m," this might not seem that different to you, but to me it signifies a distinct change of focus. whereas previously the goal was the wee wee, the object now is clearly only to get the candy. i find this slightly disturbing.

but today in target was the all time low.

K had declared to the entire toy section that,"I HAVE A POOP COMING!" and had begun to make the poop face. i didn't have a diaper (of course) and thought this might be a good teaching moment. so i scooped him into my arms and ran directly to the restrooms where i plopped him on the toilet and waited for the imminent results.


K:"no poop, mommy"

me: "oh, that's okay, honey."

(quiet, muffled sounds in toilet)

K:"oh! i do a fart, mommy!"

me: "good, good job. maybe the poop will come later."

K: "no, no.. i do a fart for M&M!!"

i could hear the woman in the next stall giggling...

very. frustrating. morning

more rain.
out of milk.
house a dump.
laundry piling up.
broke a glass and cut my hand.
forgot to eat breakfast.
lost keys.

Monday, January 7, 2008

santa comes through (aka: what have we done?)

here she is, folks:

her name is ebony (after deciding against other names like homer, louie and K's favorite: hatchett) but she will henceforth be referred to in this blog as "the bitch"*. isn't she a cutie?

there were doubts right up until the very end. both E and K were very troubled at the fact that our home does not have a fireplace or chimney and wondered how exactly santa was going to get in.

K decided (all by himself in his little two year old brain) that,

"we got to buy a chimney and fix it wif wood and nail it and hammer it and fix it and den santa can do for it!"

which he announced to everyone we met on christmas eve day.

E, on the other hand, carefully assessed our house and its various entrypoints

he concluded, after much deliberation, that while the whole house fan seemed to be the largest opening in our ceiling, santa might get caught up in its slats. santa, being the practical man that E knew him to be would instead squeeze through the vents in our roof and shimmy down my oven vent. (this logic makes perfect sense if you are five. )

so the cookies were laid out and sometime in the night, by whatever portal he deemed best, the old man got in and left us exactly what we had been hoping for. a brand new bitch.

and now there's one more five year old who believes in santa.

and a mommy who is picking up even more poop in a day.

all because of a little temper tantrum back in november.

*much thanks to my fabulous neighbor claire for this suggestion. claire, you're brilliant.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

why K was so quiet at the breakfast table... i tried to take 2 minutes by myself to pee.

i'm back, ya'all!

in the end, M got a new computer and i got his old one but i'm deciding not to care. hey, it works, right? i'm going to work very hard at not dropping this one on the floor so you and i can have one of them every day kind of relationships again.

so much has happened since we last chatted. did you have a nice holiday? we certainly did. did you eat too many cookies and sweets? yeah, me too.

but as i write tonight it's very, very late and i still have to figure out how to download my pics onto this computer. i will try to post tomorrow!

until then..