Thursday, February 28, 2008

hugs not slugs

in response to the rising level of physical abuse ocurring in my home i have instituted a new program.

it's called, "hugs not slugs" and it goes like this: every time E feels frustrated and wants to hit someone, he should instead give that person a big hug.

simple. genius.

i came up with it in a moment of desperation yesterday afternoon after being socked in the arm for the millionth time. and friends, let me tell you that this is the best idea i have had in decades.

E has been doling out unexpected little hugs all day.

me: "oh! thanks for the hug, E! ...wait, did you feel like hitting me just then?"

E (sweetly, while still embracing my leg, eyes squeezed tightly shut with emotion):
"mmmm, yeah mommy... i just really feel like punching your face."

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

how the hair went down.

some of you have inquired about E's hair.

how did it go from looking like this...

to this..

...without even a mention on the blog?

well, dear readers...
it began like this..

then looked like this..

and ended like this.

but if you want to know more details, you'll have to ask M...

because i'm not allowed to talk about it.

weeely steenky

while playing monster with K this morning, i pretended to eat his face.

suddenly, he stopped, wrinkled his nose.

"eeeeewwwwww! i smell somefin weeeely steeenky!"

i didn't want to ask.

"eeeeeww, mommy! it's comin fwom your MOUF!"

Monday, February 25, 2008

update on the update

in the end, it was just useless worrying.

the (rain) storm that was supposed to knock out our power,
trap us in our homes
and flood our streets
turned out to be not much more than a day of heavy rain.

and the (attitude) storm that was supposed to have my children knocking each other out,
trapping one another in head locks
causing their mother's eyes to flood with tears,
turned out to be not much more than a day of heavy bickering.

guess you can't always depend on the forecast.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

quick update.

here's one for all those post-hungry grandmas and grandpas out there.

we've been hanging out, hunkering down all day as we prepare for what was supposed to be a big doozy of a storm today.

i went outside with the kids in the morning while M slept in and let them kick each other's asses for an hour or so, hoping to get their crazies out before the rain came.

it didn't work, and so they continued the pummeling, biting, sword fighting and screaming all day, much to my delight. what's up with all the fighting these days? i'm telling myself it's sickness, tiredness and cooped-upness all coming together to create the perfect storm of bad attitude.

now it's 11 and the (rain) storm still isn't here. the news says it's going to hit tomorrow, right when M has to go to work.

stir crazy kids, big thunderstorm, single parenting...

should be another peaceful sunday.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

made something new for dinner

"Do not take baby's rejection of your
lovingly prepared food personally...

If your child gives you stop signs that he has had enough food..'s time to call it a meal."
from Dr. Sears "The Baby Book"

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

back to school!

look who is all better!

or at least he looks better, doesn't he?

would it be so bad if he had a teeny, weeny fever last night
and i slipped him a little tylenol in his OJ
this morning before sending him out the door to school?

because i just couldn't take it any more, you know. i just couldn't.

he had to go. or he was going to die.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

something special

it's so interesting to me how my two children can be so different.

K filled his diaper a bit ago. but when i asked him if he would like me to help him by changing his pants he replied,

"no, mommy. i have a poop in my diaper but i want you to weave me awone wiv it."

that's fine by me.

and then there's E, calling to me sweetly from the bathroom after spending a bit of time there by himself,

"hey, mommy! would you like to wipe my bottom....?"


"...just for something special?"

sick and bitchy

what the hell?

more sickness. (me, E, maybe K. not M, though. he is, annoyingly, the picture of health.)

now it's boogers and sore throats.

i'm getting pissed. and feeling very cooped up.

watch out.

crazy posts ahead if this keeps up.

Monday, February 18, 2008

found: deep thoughts by E

life's truths are so simple when you are five.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

cabin fever, crazy mommy

i should have posted yesterday but i was cooped up in the house once again.

E was very sick, passed out most of the day on the couch with a fever. K was only partially sick, which meant he didn't really want to play with any silly old game or toy, but he might think it was fun to poke his sleeping brother in the face or yank on the dog's tail if i wasn't paying enough attention to him.

i was trying to be the kind, selfless mommy who is unfazed by her needy children but most of the day felt like they were sucking my will to live.

(you want chicken noodle soup? ok, i'll make you some.

what? you're not in the mood for soup anymore?

yes, mommy can make you a sandwich instead.

all right, i guess i can hold up your head while you take a bite...

oh, look.. you spit your bite out into my hand. that's cool.

no problem, i'll just put that over here...

what's that? you need a tissue?

for that snot that is hanging off your top lip?

sure, i'll get that for you.

wait! i said i'd get it for you! please don't wipe your boogers on the couch!

oh dear..

what's that smell? do you need to go potty?

you think you're going to have diarrhea?!

and you don't think you can walk to the bathroom so you need me to carry you?

okay.. yes i'll help you with your underpants...

oh, uhh... that's fine that you pooped a little bit on mommy's hand.

i'll just wash it off...

no, i can't hold your head up while i'm washing my hands...)

when M got home at 5 o'clock i had a serious case of Crazy Mommy Syndrome that could only be remedied by handing over the children, pouring myself a stiff drink and escaping to my happy place for the remainder of the evening.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

valentine's day pukefest

the cookies had been baked and were ready for frosting.

hearts had been strung around the kitchen and the house was as clean as i could get it in preparation for the next morning's party (read: counters were wiped, no pubes on toilet seat).

i had even made goodie bags. no joke.

E's valentines, finished for a week now, were resting nicely in his backpack, ready to be carried off to the kindergarten valentine's day crazy-fest of the upcoming day.

we were ready, damnit.
my shit was officially together.

which is precisely why, at approximately 2 a.m. i awoke to the whimpering, feverish cries of my five year old son in the next room. and it is also why, a few hours later, his brother puked all over my kitchen floor and the feet of his pajamas.

because that's just how it goes around here sometimes.

truthfully, it's kind of nice, i guess.

i mean, if i can get past all the whining, runny noses and the smell of vomit, i've got a free ticket to sitting on my ass all day, watching television in a clean house with a big plate of cookies all to myself!

things could be worse.

so, here's wishing you a happy (really) valentine's day whatever comes your way from us over here at germ central.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

probe news

all is well, friends. all is well.

while a colostomy bag might have been fun at parties, i must say i am relieved to have been given a clean bill of intestinal health. isn't that fantastic?

thanks for your well wishes and concern.

i'm off to eat a double cheeseburger or two.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

fun times ahead

clear liquids and laxatives all day.

i have this procedure tomorrow.

wish me luck.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

more powitix

it's a good night for all of us on the campaign front.

both the obama and huckabee camps are happy, or so you might think.

K, never one to be predictable, decided to mix things up a bit as i scoured the internet for primary results. we were on one of those sites that has the week in pictures and were checking out the slideshow when mitt romney's face popped up.

K: " who dat, mommy?"

me: "that's mitt romney, honey."

K: "oh, yeah..... i wuv him. i wuv dat guy."

(here we go again.)

me: "oh yeah? what do you love about mitt romney, K?"

K: "i wuv him becuz he is smiling at me all da time when i am sweeping in my cwib."

smiling romney dreams?

playdates with huckabee?

just you watch,
next i'll discover that he's been secretly meeting john mccain
for some clandestine tree climbing
followed by shared PB&J's and fingerpainting with ron paul.

Friday, February 8, 2008

just great

sometimes when i say things are great (especially on friday afternoons) i am being sarcastic.

but this time it's actually true!

K just woke up from a 3 hour nap and it is 4:52 .
only 8 minutes left until daddy time.. this is a very good thing.

additionally, E and i have been having a lovely time
this afternoon doing yard work in the sunny, 60 degree weather
as we discuss very important topics like
how cool sophia is and don't you love chinese new year
and wouldn't it be awesome if we could dig a tunnel to china
if only there wasn't all that hot burning lava in the way?

also, i almost lost the bitch,
or at least i forgot about her for a very long time while we were outside
and i thought i was going to have to go on a massive bitch hunt
but when i called for her she came running back!
from two blocks away!

not to mention the fact that movie night at our house tonight
is going to be the bomb since M bought a new projector for work
and we are using it to watch the latest Veggie Tales flick
in low definition enormosize.

all this goodness is enough to make much easier to bear the fact that i am on 2 types of inhalers,oral steroids, an antibiotic and have lost almost all control of my pelvic floor muscles and my voice because of the cough that i've had for the past 6 weeks.

sometimes it just really is a great day.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


funny? horrible? disturbing?
sometimes i just can't tell anymore.
please help.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

super fat tuesday!

we are all finding ways to show our support today.

what excitement!

Friday, February 1, 2008