satellite blog

in an effort to expedite the purchase of my new computer, i threw my old one to the floor today.

no, that's just a lie.

really what happened is i accidentally dropped my computer when i was cleaning the kitchen after dinner. so i guess it's all fucked for real now.

thus i am blogging to you from a satellite location (M's computer) at present. i had to wait for him to be done working and now it's late so the funnies will have to wait until tomorrow.

you shouldn't be reading this blog anyway! don't you have holiday shopping to do or something?

baked potato jesus

look here!
it's potato jesus!

the children went to sunday school and came back with
their own baby jesus child,
fashioned out of a potato.
it was great!
they loved and hugged and cradled their baby,
they made beds for the little jesus
and tucked him in for the night.
it was so tender.

but now E has the grater out
and he has the idea that we should
peel and shred our baby jesus...

... and make him into potato latkes.

our day in pictures

(miraculously, my usb ports are now "unfucked". enjoy what should have been friday's post..)

6:30 a.m.

E wakes up early, clearly in an amazing mood, ready to start the day!
good morning, sunshine!

9:30
K prepares for the park...

10:15 a.m.
...where he will go directly to the sandbox and the digger, refusing to
allow anyone else to play with "my giant exahvader".

12:20 p.m.
on his way home from school it is obvious that a day of stimulating educational
activities has done nothing to improve E's mood.

1:30p.m.
but no worries, it's nothing a good, hard spanking and
some old fashioned housework can't fix.

3:25 p.m.
by the time K wakes up from his nap, it's nothing but
good times as they build a tent, eat some fresh fruit and hang out bare-assed in bed.

5:10 p.m.
daddy's home!
the children rush to daddy and clamor for his attention.
mommy, amazingly, is able to simultaneously center this picture and pour
herself a large shot of tequila .

6:02 p.m.
no real dinner tonight. it's movie night!
first course: pizza.
second course: popcorn
dessert: m&m's
all enjoyed in front of the television while mommy and daddy sit back and drool.

7:05 p.m.
all cleaned up and ready for bed!
what will we do when they can tell time and start to realize
that their real bedtime is actually an hour from now?

more problems

apparently, according to my very helpful husband, my usb ports are "fucked".

i believe this is the official computer-guy term.

i don't know much about computers, but i think the little problem with my usb ports might be stemming from the larger problem which is that my laptop is a "piece of shit".

no usb port= no pictures = no blog for now.

nope! the baked potato jesus story is just no good without a picture.

we'll see what happens. thankfully, M looooves to shop for new computer stuff so this problem might actually get fixed real quick! (fixed like "new computer" fixed, i hope!)

computer funkiness

my computer is acting kind of weird right now as i try to download pictures.

we are the blind leading the blind as we attempt to remedy the problem but i'm remaining positive! i'm confident that we are going to stumble on just the right combination of buttons to push to make all the glitches magically disappear.

stay tuned for cute pics coming soon!

thursday blah

we got home from the party at 11:30 last night and got up at the normal hour, as the boys show no mercy to their partied-out parents.

my dear children, although awake and out of their beds, were in distinctly unpleasant moods and bugging the crap out of me.

as we were headed out the door to school, K accidentally broke the christmas ornament E made to give to justin for christmas.

that's when all hell broke loose.

crying, wailing, whacking, screaming, pushing, shoving, boogers and snot rolling down faces. it was not a pretty sight.

of course my neighbor (justin's mom) was outside as i struggled to strap my out of control children into their carseats. her offspring were remarkably docile this morning and so when she yelled, "some days are worse than others, huh?" with a cheery smile on her face and a wave, i know she meant well and all but i just wanted to give her the finger and scream, "oh yeah?! if it weren't for the stupid ornament E made your son i wouldn't even be dealing with this shit!!" but i didn't think that would be very neighborly. or in the christmas spirit.

we did end up making it to school on time ( a miracle) and actually survived the day (another miracle) which was full of episodes like the one above.

and now i'm on the couch, sick and tired of my cold that i've had for almost two weeks now, exhausted and wishing this was the weekend and not sure if i can handle doing it all again tomorrow.

where's the love, ya'll?

so i get no comments on my last post? not even one?

maybe you thought i said E was dressing up as annakin's private parts and so this is the equivalent of an awkward pause in blog world.

whatev.

just thought i'd be kind and let you know that i have no post for you this evening as once again my presence was requested at a party. what a socialite trophy wife i am these days!

if you care, i should be back on the blogging saddle tomorrow. although i am a bit bored with my fodder these days. maybe i'll just go on hiatus. we'll see.

perhaps if i received lots and lots of juicy, slurpy comments from you i would feel inspired once again...

playdate fun

this time the phone convo was with my brother.

it was tricky, since at the same time E was having a playdate (i know, i know. i said i'd never do it again but then i did) with justin. in a desperate attempt to have a little adult chatting, i had shut the boys in E's room with strict instructions to play quietly and nicely.

all was going well until i suddenly realized that it was very quiet, perhaps too quiet in the play room.

i stood outside the door straining to hear a clue of what was happening inside.

nothing.

i debated whether i should take a peek. i listened again.

silence.

that's it. i was going in.

i burst through the door to find justin quietly rifling through the various treasure chests (read: boxes of junk) E keeps on top of his dresser. he looked slightly bored as he examined the assorted pieces of rock, old coins, crumpled up paper and forgotten art projects stored inside.

phew. that was harmless. i breathed a sigh of relief as i turned to look for E.

just then my eyes spotted an abandoned pair of undies on the floor.

oh shit.

i looked to my left and there encountered my son, sans pants and underpants, attempting to wiggle his little, naked frame into a pair of black tights.

"E! what are you doing?!" i worked to keep my voice calm.

he looked up, eyes innocent and wide.

"we're playing star wars, mommy."

oh, duh. i should have known. because that was soooooo obvious.

"um E, that's great. but remember that when you are having a play date you should always keep your underpants on. that's just a rule."

he gazed up at me with those sweet blue eyes again and said,

"but i had to take my underwear off, mommy."

did i dare ask?

"uh... why, E?"

"because, mommy...

... i'm dressing up as Annakin Private Parts."

oh.

um...is that annakin skywalker's brother or something?

i really need to brush up on my star wars knowledge...

(note: no picture included with this post for obvious reasons)

my latest craze

i have no time to blog because i have become a serious addict.

i am addicted, ADDICTED.

to what? you say. to craigslist and etsy, i say.

it all started with my family, who drew names and then decided the gift should cost no more than $30 and must be used. this thus renewed my obsession with the list of craig.

and in and effort to be a bit greener in my gift giving this year i took myself to an indie craft fair that was being held in my fair city a few weeks ago. i discovered that all the hipster craft girls list their stuff on etsy and so i checked it out... and have been checking it out with every single spare minute of my time since!

i have been sucked in! they are eating my brain!
you can find anything there! it's the greatest!
i spend hours!

(go there and check it out, if you must. but be warned, there is no turning back.)

the children are getting impatient with me. they liked having a mother who would talk with them sometimes and occasionally prepare them meals. they don't really know what to do with their computer zombie mommy who shoves bowls of cheerios in front of them and selects "continuous play" on the blues clues dvd.

just another sunday morning

i had all the clues. i just ignored them.

sleeping in until 7:00, pale skin, whiny boy, feeling cold despite four layers of clothes...

i saw it all but i still had to push it. so i loaded the kids into the car to drive M to work.

i heard K hiccuping in the back seat and felt nervous but brushed my fears aside. what could happen in a 5 minute car ride?

duh. (how long have i been a mother?)

i'll tell you what can happen.

puke can happen.

stinky cheerio puke all over the four layers of clothes, on the car seat and in the cracks of the car seat, spilling to the upholstery below, in his hair and on his shoes... that's what can happen.

now if someone would just tell me, please, how to clean it all up.

commando K

this is a first.

K and i were in the kitchen doing something, exactly what i cannot recall and is not at all important.

i noticed K was abnormally quiet. the constant chatter that normally streams from his mouth had momentarily ceased.

i looked over at him.

oh...

poopface.

(do your kids do this? they stop, mid-sentence, mid-conversation, mid-bite, mid-whatever and stand, mouth agape, eyes reddening and slightly watery as they strain to fill their pants? )

me: "hey buddy, looks like you have a poop! want mommy to change it?"

K:"no, mommy. i want to stand wiv it for a widdle bit."

this is K's latest thing. he dirties the diaper but then, because he is immersed in some other activity or maybe just doesn't want to be bothered, he prefers to wait a while until the diaper is changed, thus "standing wiv it". i, being the lazy mother that i am, oblige him this very readily.

i returned to my previous activity, happy to have a momentary reprieve.

but then,

K: "oh, mommy! what it doing?"

huh? i glanced up to find K standing confused as he stared at his pantleg.

K: "what it doing, mommy? what i got?"

as he began to walk toward me i saw, suddenly, that little pieces of poop were dropping out, one by one from the bottom of K's blue jeans.

what the..? was his diaper loose? how was this happening?

as more pooplets exited with each step i noticed that the front of K's pants were wet as well.

now this was a puzzle. what kind of crazy diaper experience was happening in those pants?

my mind raced backward as i attempted to recall the events of that morning. what had i been doing when i dressed K? had i been so distracted that i hadn't pulled those velcro tabs tight enough?

i grabbed K to check down his pants. and as another turd rolled to the floor i realized my mistake. it wasn't that i hadn't tightened the diaper enough...

i had completely forgotten to put the diaper on at all.



i guess it's finally time to wash that kitchen floor....

to my adoring public

let's get one thing straight.

i am ZOLOFT MOM. do we need to go over this? i am not "have all my shit together mom" or "i have lots of free time mom". so when i go a few days without posting this is usually because the shit (sometimes literal, sometimes figurative) has hit the fan in my house.

it also should be said, for those of you who don't really know me, that despite the fact that i am a zoloft mom i also have to be a "throw a lot of parties mom". (this is just part of my trophy wife job description.) these parties make me freak out and get really stressed, even though i love them after all is said and done. so during those times of insanity i also do not blog.

never fear, i will always return. there is just too much crazy shit that goes on in my life for me to stay quiet for very long.

playdate hell

woooo weeee!

we just got done with one of the worst playdates ...ever!

i got sprayed in the face with a hose, K yanked his little friend by the hair and his buddy almost pushed him off the porch. E and his friend were beating each other with light sabers and ended their time together slapping one another on the face and hurling legos at each other! and don't even get me started about the crazy tantrum that went down as everyone was leaving!

i hate playdates! they suck!

no more socialization for us. just reading our books on the couch. that's it.

bathtime distraction

(disclaimer: this post contains pictures of nastiness)

i was on the phone with my friend.

bathtime commotion (with M and kids) was happening all around me but i was tuning out the world.

in retrospect i suppose i have some recollection of a small, pantsless child bringing his kiddy potty into the kitchen along with the bathroom rug and setting them up in front of me.

and i guess i do recall that same child squatting in front of his potty and rambling something about "daddy say i do a poop for m&m!!!"

but i really wasn't paying attention.

note to self: when there is poop talk from a naked two-year-old one must always pay attention.

why husbands cannot be trusted with children

!!!!

no pepper puzzle

i went to the grocery store this morning specifically to buy the red pepper that i needed for this evening's meal.

i bought the red pepper.

now the pepper is no where to be found.

how do you misplace a pepper?

am i going crazy?
or have the mice now learned how to open the fridge?

another loooong friday afternoon

why do i bother?

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER??????

E is so very, very, very wiry when he gets home from because he is TIRED.

so i try to make him take a quiet time in his room for 45 minutes. all he is required to do during this time is to remain in his room and do things that are of a semi-quiet nature. this should not be difficult.

today this is what he did.

he first decided he was a puppy and, after whining in his doorway for the 5 minutes it took me to put his brother down for a nap, dragged his stuffed animals with his teeth to make this pile just outside the door to his room:

when reminded that he was to stay within his bedroom's four walls, he retreated..

...and then proceeded to open and shut the door to his room for the next 5 minutes.

i calmly went over to his room and asked him in a nice voice if he would please fucking stop it.

he did.
and actually found something quiet to do for maybe 7 minutes.

then he came out and asked if his quiet time was done yet (despite having a clock in his room)...

...and showed me the lego blaster he had made and tried to discuss the specifics of this particular gun compared to the other ones he has made in the past ("see how this shooting part is longer? and the trigger is different. but mommy, i just want to show you how i used this one long piece in the handle...")

then he went to the bathroom..

...on the way back stopped to ask if quiet time was done yet....

...and came back out two minutes later to beg in his whiniest voice,"pleeeeeeeez, can i juuuuust come sit by you if i promise to be reaaalllly quiet? it's so haaaaard to be in there by myseeelf."

i sent him back three times.

after the fourth request he broke me down. unable to bear the constant interruptions any longer, i said he could sit on the couch if he DIDN'T TALK AT ALL.

he promised. of course.

but then two minutes later was telling me about this cool craft they did at school and wondering if we could do it too. did we have any scrap paper? because mrs. h, his teacher had this really cool paper they used and they cut it into shapes and then they glued it to paper and it was really, really, fun and cool and...

...can i have some candy? whhhhyyyyyy not?

... can i have a piece of pie?

...then he showed me five pictures of dogs he found in his book...

... and moments later fell off the couch (on purpose) and rolled on the floor as he attempted to sneak toward the kitchen and escape into the backyard.

at which point i lost my mind and sent him back to his room for the remainder of the time.

he now has five more minutes to go and just came out dressed like this:

....to ask me if he could have a playdate with EVERETT.

seriously.

this is why i drink.

more santa dramz

the mailman took the letter. i caught him at my mailbox looking puzzled and wondering what to do as he stared E's envelope clipped there. after my brief explanation he offered to take the letter today and return it tomorrow (with a twinkle in his eye! i love our mailman)

E was, of course, very excited that the letter had been successfully mailed. ("did he say he knew where the north pole was, mommy? does he know where santa lives?")

later in the afternoon we passed a postal vehicle with a foreign (as in, not ours) mailman inside. E was quick to notice this fact.

"hey, mommy! i just saw a post office truck but it had a different mail guy inside! that's probably because ours is at the north pole delivering our letter, huh?"

soooo.... does anyone know where i can get a cute dog for cheap?

santa skeptic

after reading the last post, M informed me that he took E to the mall today.

when E heard that santa might be there, he was insistent that M ask santa first if he was the real one.

if he was real, then E was going to talk with him about a pet and tell him a letter was on the way to his house.

but if santa said he wasn't real then E just wasn't going to waste his time.

santa talk

we are thinking about getting a pet for christmas. remember the kitties? E has been obsessed with getting an animal since then and asks all the time.

"pleeeeeeeeeeeez can we get a dog or a cat or something, mommy? pleeeeeeez?"

and because this whiny talk disgusts me and is as annoying as fingernails on a chalkboard i always say,

"no"

(i tell myself i am not being mean, just secretive.)

today E and i were sitting in the living room together when suddenly he burst into tears.

"I'M JUST SO MAD THAT YOU WON'T GET ME A PET FOR CHRISTMAS!! I ALWAYS ASK YOU AND YOU JUST SAY NO!! AND SO I'M JUST GOING TO GET MY OWN PET!! I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE!!"

clearly he was a bit upset.

i tried to console him.

"E, that's just what i have to say. you know i can't say yes to anything you ask for for christmas. then you would know what you're getting."

"IT'S NOT FAIR!! I WANT A PET AND I'M GOING TO GET MY OWN OR RUN AWAY AND HAVE MY OWN DOG IN MY OWN HOUSE!!"

i realized my logical approach was not working. what this boy needed was hope.. but what could i do?

me: "hey! you've asked me, but did you ask santa yet?"

now, this is a ridiculous thing i did. we have never talked about santa in this house. at least we've never talked about him as being real. it's just never been an issue. so i was on new ground with the introduction of the santa-as-real concept.

E stopped. blinked.

E: "but mommy, he's not real."

me: "how do you know?"

E: "i've just heard people talking about it." (he was obviously confused, never having heard the type of talk come out of his mother's mouth.)

me: "like who?"

(pause.)

E: "uh, you. right, mommy?"

poor buddy. his world was turning upside down and i was causing it. but what other choice did i have? i just couldn't handle a meltdown. so i kept going.

me: "he's in the mall, isn't he?" (again, new ground. we hardly ever go to the mall.)

silence as E paused to consider this.

"well, how do you know if that one is a real one?"

"ummmm..i guess you'd just have to figure that out." (i hadn't really thought this conversation through, was totally winging it. still, i tried to appear confident.)

what transpired after this point was a bit more back and forth between the two of us, as i convinced my five-year-old son (who has, may i remind you, never believed in santa in his entire life) that the man might really exist.

which led to him writing a letter to santa and posting it on the mailbox. this almost caused another meltdown as the boy does not really know how to write, but when we figured out that santa would understand drawings just as well as words all was right again in the world.

so there the letter sits, waiting for the mailman to come tomorrow.
("mommy, if i just write 'the north pole' will they know where to take it?)

all because i wanted to give a little boy some hope.

keywords again

it's time again to celebrate the keywords that have brought new readers to my site!

according to the omniscience of google analytics, many a crazy googled word has sent new friends my way this month. here are some of my favorites:

"italian slang for stupid" (i can't figure this match out, but i suspect it might have had something to do with my son's affinity for the word "stupid".)

"fat moms boys" (fat mom's boys? fat moms' boys? fat moms and boys? so many questions..)

"mom hair" (maybe this one was an image search)

"zoloft for bitches" ( as opposed to zoloft for dudes?)

then there is the slightly disturbing:

"winter gloves sewn on animal faces" (??? i have no words.)

and my favorite:

"mom pervert" (because both you and i know that i am, but i'm so glad google has figured it out as well.)

sunday morning

K (as we were getting ready this morning):

"I NO WANNA GO TO CHURCH!! I WAN GO SOMEPACE FUN! WIKE TARGET!!"

me too, buddy. me too.

catching you up

it has been a crazy week! rodents, turkeys... i've just had no time to blog! anway, for those who care, here are a few of the week's highlights..

tuesday was E's thanksgiving program.
this is a picture of him dressed in full turkey program finery.
seriously, does anyone understand that bow?
i peeked around and it seemed
like all the other parents thought it was adorable,
but i was just confused.

wednesday was a day off from school. E, who was still
excited from his program the day before opted to "play pilgrim" all
day long. this consisted of dressing in a tuxedo jacket, drawing
pictures (see above) of ourselves crossing the bridge to a new land
and building plymouth rock in the front yard.
we played this game all day

...except for a small break to pretend we were doggies and drink water out
of bowls on the floor.

on wednesday night i was awakened by yet another rodent.
this one was stuck in my mixing bowls.
i was, of course, disgusted but sadly wasn't that surprised.
we have officially become a rat's nest now.

*********************

on thursday i am proud to say that i got up and ran my first
5k in 10 years! since i will never show my face
on this blog (especially after running!) this photo
will serve as my proof.
(*please note: i did have a picture of my race number here
but have since deleted it. i was informed that by using that number,
one could find out all kinds of personal info about me!
and i just can't have you all knowing my secrets, can i?)

on the way to grandma's later that day K informed me that,
"mommy, i got a booger in my mouf and i eating it."
then added, "it taste wike tomato and zucchini and ONION!"
mmmmm.. delicious. (maybe that's why he didn't eat any turkey later... )

today was back to the usual. M had to work and so boys and i hung out.
i have nothing to report except that i did find out that E and his cousins DIDN'T show each other their private parts yesterday at grandmas' house even though they DID play private parts club.

oh yeah, AND hayden at school sings a REALLY funny song about his penis.

that's our week!
i'm off to bed.

chapter 3

i am trying to make pies for tomorrow.

i have just discovered my sugar bag has a hole in it.
a hole gnawed by a rodent.

further inspection reveals that my white and wheat flour have similar, yet larger problems and the bottom of my pantry cupboard is covered in mouse shitlets and urine.

i am disgusted beyond belief.

making matters worse, i have found a leaky pipe beneath my kitchen sink. the water that drips from this pipe is soaking even more rodent feces below.

i want to scream.

the only thing saving me right now is the fact that K has discovered the performance indicator light on my vacuum and is watching it go on and off as he vacuums himself.

the end.

literally.

oh no!

HE HAS ESCAPED!

THE MOUSE HAS ESCAPED AND IS RUNNING AROUND MY HOUSE WHO KNOWS WHERE!

I HAVE TAKEN REFUGE ON MY COFFEE TABLE!

MORE SOON.

WE WILL NOT REST UNTIL THE RODENT HAS BEEN KILLED!

mouse!

the mouse the mouse the mouse the mouse the mouse is back!

well, its ugly half-brother is back.

it just ran across the kitchen floor and under my sink! right in front of us!

stay tuned! we are going to murder that little bastard!

weekend

yo bitches,

what up. don't everybody start freaking out at once, but this ZM is headed out of town for the wizeekend!

so if you do not see a post please do not send me lots of irritating mail. just please take a deep breath and hold on to your panties til monday.

i will talk to you all again then!

peace out.

signage

E has made a new sign.

isn't this nice? he made it the other morning after i had asked him to make his bed.

disgusted, he ran into his room and penned this lovely page and hung it next to his bed for all of us to see. pay no attention to the brown. the message is clear.

NO. (not today! not tomorrow! not ever! so stop asking! the answer will not change!)

isn't it so wonderful that he is learning to read and to express himself using the written word?

in the case of ZM vs. beast

please score one point for me.

emergency!

how can you just sit there at a time like this?!?!

do you not see this picture? don't you know what is happening?!?!?

i have a fucking mouse!
in my bedroom!

k dropped his bottle the other night and it rolled under my bed. apparently, it still had some milk in it. and now look! look what that horrible little creature did for a drink!

oh, how awful! how disgusting! a rodent under my bed! scurrying around beneath me while i sleep! making little nests and having babies in my hair! tunneling into my mattress and growing into a big, fat rat that eats my face!

maybe i will sleep in the bathtub. surely, he won't be able to get me there... right?

problems?

is anyone else having trouble viewing my photos from my last few posts? i think it's a blogger thing, but i have no idea for sure.

let me know if you can or can't see them. it might help me figure out what's going on!

stuck in the grille of my car

obviously, i have a problem.

i tried prying it out with a stick but no luck. all that i got out was a bunch of flies. k offered to get it out with his bare hands but the thought of that almost made me puke.

does anyone have any suggestions?

send 'em quick, before mr. birdie becomes mr. stinky.

west coast cuties

what a crazy little west coast family i have.

this is what they do when it gets cold out. you know, cold....like 50 degrees.

look closely. poor little k was so excited to play "snowy time"
(did i mention it was just 50 degrees?)
but the sweet boy just didn't have a clue.
note my scarf around his neck, garden glove on left hand, slippers on the feet, old sweashirt worn as winter coat.

they think they're cold!
if only they knew how i used to have to walk 9 miles barefoot
in the west michigan snow every day for the whole winter just to get to school!

those goofy kids.

friday car ride

so, no lie. here it is.

it was late friday afternoon. sun was shining. birds were singing. the boys and i were out running a few errands before the weekend began. the world was mine.

suddenly:

E: "mommy?"

me: (somewhat distracted as i soaked in the sunshine, listening to talk radio in the background) mmmmmmmhm?

E: "mommy, do you know what everett said to some of the girls on the playground the other day?"

now, let me just pause right here and say that i should have known. i really should have. everett is a little boy in E's kindergarten class and the stories i have heard thus far about him have not been good. but he's six.. and i thought how bad can it be? plus, i was in a good mood.

me: "no, what did he say, honey?"

(i want you to prepare yourselves)

E: "he called them..

(please get ready)

...fat, bearded bitches."

(i will pause here to let that sink in.)

and now i will tell you that E apparently repeated that phrase on the playground that day.

what's a mother to do?

is he just trying those words out? should i make a big deal? what if he starts saying "fat, bearded bitch" to everyone?! what if he says it to his grandmother? is this the first step of many on the road to being a mass murderer, a sociopath, an outcast of society?!

what the hell am i supposed to do?

what would you do?

are there any voices of experience out there that can offer some wise words of advice? or commiseration?

i'll just be over here, pouring myself a stiff drink while i wait for you fat, bearded bitches to write me back.

friday afternoon

look who woke up on the wrong side of bed after his nap today.

this, combined with the fact that i just inhaled a fruit fly up my nose, is making for a very complicated friday afternoon.

stop the presses!

rejoice! rejoice!!
let everyone lift hands high in celebration!!

behold!
the youngest child has done a poop
in the toilet!

let no one doubt the power of the m&m!
the m&m is strong!
it can turn the will of even the red-headed child!
the m&m brings victory in the bathroom!

answer

hmmm... let's see.

two votes ror applesauce, one for poop, and another for black tar heroin.

reeeeeeeally good guesses, guys. i'm impressed.

surprisingly, however, none of you figured out the mystery substance. it was hummus. couldn't you tell? that's what happens to garbanzo bean paste if it's not refrigerated for two weeks.

well, don't be discouraged if you were stumped. i've been finding lots of disgustingness lately so stay tuned for more fun and games in the next few weeks.

something fun to pass the time

while i am recovering from my party, let's play a little game.

it's called, "guess the nastiness" and this is how you play: i show you something nasty and you guess what it is. ha ha.

so i will give you until tomorrow to figure out what this delicious treat is.

clue: i found it in my diaper bag.

chill, baby, chill

i can just feel the hysteria mounting, the underpants wadding...

where is the post?!?!? why has she not written anything since (gasp!) saturday?!?!

listen up, ya'll. i have gone a little crazy and have agreed to:

1. a houseguest for two nights and
2. a soiree with 20 women in my home tomorrow night!!

so momma might not be bloggin tonight. or maybe i will. i might just do whatever i want!

but for now i've got some pubes calling my name from the base of my toilet and a little mystery smell to find before my company arrives.

pillow talk

in an adorable moment of family cuteness (which you will just have to imagine, since i did not take a picture) we were all reading a book before bed together tonight in my room.

subject: rabbits. (ever since the kitties, E has been obsessed with pets and so got this book about bunnies yesterday at school.)

E: "hey, mommy. i've been meaning to ask you this. why are we able to talk but animals can't?"

(it suddenly occured to me that i really had no idea why exactly we can talk. something in the brain? did he want specifics? why was he asking? was there an obvious answer that was eluding me because my brain is turning to mush? worse yet.. did i have early onset alzheimers? i decided to stall. throw the question back at him. see what he already knew.)

me: "yeah, E! why do you think that is?"

E: "well i did notice that we have way less fur than animals. they have it all over their bodies and we just have a little bit."

me (relieved, realizing that maybe i didn't need to get too technical at this moment. at least he wasn't looking for the name of the particular area of the brain. you never know what they learn in school these days...): "good point. and did you also know that our brains are a lot bigger than animals, too?"

(that must have something to do with it, right?)

i looked at M for input.

M:"yeah, we have super smart brains!" (ah, look. daddy doesn't know either!)

to which K replied with his own two cents: "i got weally big, smart DUMBHEAD bwain!"

what more can you say after that?

dear zoloft mom 4

once again, fan mail friday!*


dear zoloft mom,

my small daughter is watching my bigger son go poop. she is squatting for best line of sight and cheering when one comes out. what does this mean?

sincerely,
grossed out

----------------------------

dear grossed,

uh.... that's kind of messed up. i mean, that's really disgusting.

all i can think is that your daughter must have some kind of problem or something.

zoloft mom

* to my readers: please note that all letters in "dear zoloft mom" posts are real, from actual fan mail received each week. if you have a question or problem relating to parenting and would like zoloft mom's help, write to: zoloftmom@juno.com.

halloween might be over....

...but costume fever lives on.

the question

to stuff ourselves...

or to pace ourselves...

that is the question.

all hallows fun

so now i will join with the millions of my mommy blogging sisters and post pictures of my children dressed in their holiday foolishness. although, since it's me you're dealing with you will not see any lovely, posed photos of cherubic children sitting quietly pre-sugar rush to model mommy's handiwork. not because i think that's stupid... i'd love to show off my work.

nope. i just forgot, of course.

so here's what i do have:

captain mystery flaunts his stuff (wings belong to fairy in back). he
chose to wear a winter glove on his right hand in honor of annakin skywalker
who famously lost his hand battling count dukoo. this had nothing
to do with his costume.

CM's sidekick "diaper man" looks adorable in complete costume for about
five minutes. masks were quickly removed, as they were found to obstruct almost
all peripheral vision.

trick-or-treating with peeps in the hood.

(this had high potential for disaster, as E and justin have been acting like
fools the past few times they have hung out.
never fear.. a few not-so-veiled threats of flushing candy down the toilet for
bad behavior and they turned into angels. ok, maybe "angels" is a bit extreme but hey,
nobody punched anyone in the face. i think that's progress!)

cat that followed us home and remains on my porch even as i type this blog.

brother of above cat, who also has taken up residence on my front step.

gorging ourselves on candy until we felt like doing handstands.
(K: "i wike candy, mommy! i wike wowwipops!")

one of two children who succumbed to sugar coma within 60 seconds of
head hitting pillow.

found on my camera as i downloaded pictures today

i have no idea when this was taken.

i swear that's not my bra.

and is that some kind of animal strapped to his lower torso?

this brings so many questions to mind.

sewing frenzy

aaagh!

halloween is tomorrow!

why, why, why, why, did no one stop me as i decided to sew our own costumes this year? i know i can be a stubborn old bitch, but please! why didn't anyone try to talk sense into me?!

superheroes are what we are going to be. a whole family of 'em. all i need to do is sew the capes but now it's down to the wire and i am no where near finished.

of course i'm not! i can't ever get anything done on time! did i honestly think this would be different?!

calm down, calm down.

no time for blogging.

must sew. otherwise the children will make their own costumes and will go out looking like this:

dear zoloft mom 3

it's fan mail friday* again! so soon!

dear zoloft mom,

my firstborn is quite a high maintenance child. he looks to be about the size of your older child. i am wondering two things:

1. where exactly did you purchase his cage?
2. approximately how many holes would you say the cage needs in order for the child to have enaugf ir for life?

thank you in advance,
needing a moment (or an hour) of peace.
--------------------------------------------------------

dear needing,

thank you for your question about the cages. i have received so many inquiries about this item!

you are right to conclude that a cage may be the solution for hectic days with your child. i can't tell you the peace of mind i feel when my son is in his! i can sit back, read the paper, get dinner made... it is so useful.

so on to your questions.

1. my particular cage was purchased at ikea. now, i know that not everyone is so blessed to live near this wonderful store. so please do not worry if you are in this group. with a little creativity you can find a child cage in your area as well!

there are so many different, everyday household items that can be used to restrain your child in a pinch. would you believe mine is a laundry hamper? you could also use a garbage can (with lid, of course), a chest of drawers, even a large duffel bag! once you open your eyes to the possibilities you will find they are everywhere.

2. air holes. this is very important to remember. with out the proper ventilation the whole situation could take a tragic turn. please be sure to ensure you have adequate irflow for the age and size of your child. i have come up with a formula that might serve as a good starting point for you:

( weight of child in kgs. x amount of time to be in cage) / age of child = number of holes for enaugh ir.

i hope this information has been helpful and wish you the best of luck! write us back soon and tell us all the things you have been able to accomplish!

have a great weekend!

zoloft mom


* to my readers: please note that all letters in "dear zoloft mom" posts are real, from actual fan mail received each week. if you have a question or problem relating to parenting and would like zoloft mom's help, write to: zoloftmom@juno.com.

hamburger people

our friday afternoon scene:

E at kitchen table. making people out of play-doh. grinding them into hamburger.

cause for concern?

you tell me.

star wars thing

all i wanted to do was vacuum the fucking rug.

is that so much to ask?

but i should have known. i already told you how it is over here when i try to clean. and i knew from the way things had been going up until that point that the little man was in a gem of a mood. what was i thinking?

but i'm getting ahead of myself.

it is 10:52 a.m. 8 more minutes of sesame street remain and the floors are a mess. i've been trying for days (days!) to get at least one rug vacuumed with no luck.

the crumbs are piling up.

i assess my situation. elmo is about ready to sing, k is clearly winding up. is there time?

i wrestle the machine out of its closet and plug it in. 10:54.

oh no, now k is getting distracted. i watch out of the corner of my eye as he turns away from the tv, starts to amble toward his toy trains.

can i do it?

i glance at the dust bunnies staring at me from the corner. i have to chance it.

my eye catches the broom standing alone, propped against the wall. i grab it, hand it to k. here, honey! sweep the trains! mommy will be right back.

i dive into the other room, begin vacuuming at a frantic pace. never mind about moving furniture! just get the big stuff! does my little hoover have the power to suck up that marble? must try! no time to pick it up! i hear elmo singing in the background... i'm doing it! almost done. just get behind the drumset and..

"mommy!"

keep going. just one more minute. must finish.

"mommy!mommy i do it! i make a star wars thing!"

oh shit. what?

"mommy, i bang it and i make a star wars thing!"

i pause, consider the meaning of this statement and realize i have no clue what he is talking about. but a little voice in my head tells me to turn off the vacuum and go check things out.

"what did you do, k?"

"i bang it! and i make a star wars thing!"

i round the corner into my living room and find

broom on the floor, glass on the rug.

fuck.

fucking, fucking, fucking shit.

"i bang it, mommy."

i look at my two year old son, standing innocently by what is left of my window. i am speechless, furious, dumbfounded and yet mildly entertained all at the same time.

"i make a star wars thing."

yes, you did, my friend. yes, you did.

i turn my gaze toward the clock.

10:57.

and it took you all of 3 minutes to do it.