garage sale!

sorry i haven't been around to entertain you with my neuroses today. we're having a garage sale tomorrow and i've been getting ready!

none of my shit is worth anything, so i don't know why i'm bothering. maybe i'll just make a gigantic FREE sign, put it in the front yard and then gorge myself on coffee and donuts all day instead.

and while i should be getting rid of all the old baby clothes i have hanging around, i'm finding i'm way too attached to all of that shit to do anything with it yet. i know this probably means i'll be one of those grandmas trying to sell some funky outdated kids clothes in twenty years, but i swear! i almost had an emotional breakdown today thinking about selling those sweet onesies and cute little sockies and adorable fuzzy sleepers with feet.

none of this matters anyway, since the moment E and K spot all the stuff i'm trying to sell they will throw big hairy fits and sabotage the whole deal. that's going to be awesome.

stay tuned..

tired decisions

K didn't sleep very well last night and woke up again at 5:45. i'm so tired right now i think i'm losing my better judgement.

when E asked me if he could give his teddy bear a hair cut i said sure, that sounded fine to me.

same for the trims for puppy and brown-and-white (other members of the stuffed animal clan). they did look a bit shaggy.

and it seemed like a logical sequence of events to then give said animals a bath, as they were covered in their snipped fur. who wouldn't want to wash that off?

but now my bathroom is a flood zone, there is a river of water from there to my back door and E is taping his toes together with scotch tape.

where did i go wrong?

hair

what's going on here?!?

whose child is this?!?!?

where is his mother and why is she not tending to his hair?

someone give the poor woman a comb!!

playdate shmaydate

hmmmm.... a playdate this afternoon has left me in a very bad place. (note to self: never again schedule playdate when in a hormonal state.) i always have such a hard time with my self esteem after such events. i can't help but play the compare game and that never ends well.

and so i console myself with these truths:

1. i do not have to be anyone but myself.

2. i have two wonderful children of whom i am very proud.

and really, why should i care how big or clean my house is, whether i have the newest, trendiest halloween decor or if my son is on track with the latest educational standards when i have faces like this waiting for me at home?

the nice thing about sick days

no late latte

let me just say, for the record, that 5 p.m. is too late to drink a latte.

you might try to tell yourself that it's hours away from bedtime and how could it possibly still have any effect at 11 at night?

but you will be mistaken. it has an effect. and the bitch will keep you awake until 1 a.m.

and so when your son comes to wake you up at 1:30 to tell you he has a headache and feels like he's going to puke you will not be at all rested and it will be hard to be a nice mommy.

and when he wakes you up once more at 4 to say he feels like he has a lot of phlegm in his throat and needs you to help him blow his nose you will only just have gone to sleep again. so you will be more tempted to curse violently under your breath and pull the covers over your head than to jump up joyfully to meet his every need.



which is why you should choose the decaf option at 5.

why mommy no bloggie?

because mommy still go crazy!

had not been out of the house without children as of this afternoon and was beginning to feel like doing something harmful to myself and/or others (mostly just my husband).

so.... i went and had some good old fashioned retail therapy fun!

now i am refreshed, back to my normal, incredibly vivacious self and ready for the shit that will inevitably hit the fan in the morning!

still here

realized i had not posted since yesterday and maybe some of you were thinking i was done in by the stress of taking care of my children for two whole days by myself.

no, no, friends. even though it was touch and go a few times, i am still very much here. but the problem is that i have been a Raging Bitch Machine since M got home last night. so see? it's best, really, that i've been keeping my thoughts to myself.

never fear. i should be back in the saddle with lots of sunshine for you tomorrow!

good night, you assholes!

almost done.

my

mind

is

fried.

50

minutes

and

counting.

saturday morning

i just stuck my tongue out at my two year old.

i'm not even kidding.

he woke up at the butt crack of dawn and since then has been being Mr. Super Contrary. it's so annoying!

"NO EGGS, MOMMY!"

"CHANGE MY DIAPER!"

"NO! NO CHANGE MY DIAPER!!"

"NO, I NO WANT CWOZE ON!!"

"NO! NO TOAST WIF BUTTER!"

"NO!"

"I NO WIKE IT!"

"NO!"

"NO!!"

finally, he broke me down. i had no response, no more energy and so.... i just stuck out my tongue.

in a really bratty, ten-year-old kind of way, too.

isn't that just so mature?

i think i've reached a new low.

how our day began

and M wasn't even gone yet!

K had a violent reaction to his car seat being removed from our car. (yes, in case you're wondering, M took our one car with him.. so i am husband-less AND car-less!)

who knew he was so attached?

well, i fed him a lollipop and a some french fries and let him watch a few hours of television and he was much better. (we kid! we kid!)

fun weekend ahead!

tomorrow M is headed out of town to go camping!!

expect lots of crazy posts!

i am very bad at being a single mom. this is why:

1. i just don't do it very well. i can't seem to bathe myself or clean the house (dishes? what dishes? poop on the floor? i'll get to it later..) and quite frankly, i'm just too tired to do any real discipline.

2. i hate doing it. i find it very unjust every time i am left alone with my children for longer than a day and take it upon myself to make sure M (and everyone else) hears about it. do not ever think that i am one of those nicey wives. i'm not. i'm a big bitch.

so stay tuned for lots of fun!

park horror

it was a tranquil morning. K and i were at the park. he was playing happily in the sand while i sat by and watched, lost in my own thoughts (or lack therof), a bit of drool edging out of the corner of my mouth.

suddenly, his head snapped up. "a cow, mommy! wet's go find it! i hear a cow!" and jumped up.

i was shaken from my daze. a cow? okay... i guess i can play this game. let's go find the cow.

"come on, K! mommy will help! let's see if we can find it! where did you hear it?"

"ovuh dare, mommy! ovuh dare, mommy!" (pointing)

enjoying the active imagination in my two-year-old, i eagerly looked in the direction of his gaze, ready to lasso this imaginary bovine.

sitting next to the sandbox was a group of men and women from the area group home eating their lunch. suddenly,i realized in horror that one of the group members was making a loud moaning sound at regular intervals.

my mind slowly creaked into motion, what the..? .. is that the noise that he..? ...it couldn't be..

"mommy, a cow! i need find it!"

oh shit.

"MOMMY! i need find the cow!!!"

what do i do?!?!?

"mommy!!!"

no! nonononono! shhh! shhshh!
distract! do something! oh shit, what do i do?

i felt all eyes on me as my son (dammit.. why does he have to be so articulate?) yelled, "cow! cow! i hear one!"pointing in the direction of the group and running back and forth, searching for the source of the noise. my throat went dry, i felt the sweat dripping out of my armpits... fuck!!!

WHAT DO I DO?!

so i did the only thing any self respecting woman such as myself could do. i ran over to K, whisked him up into my arms and ran my ass as fast as i could directly to my car and drove home without looking back.

i have never been so embarrassed in my life.

can't wait for this day to be done

it's 4:55 pm and M's still not home and i have to be at E's school in 5 minutes to help with the back to school BBQ!!!

why the HELL did i say i would help the fucking PTA* with their BBQ?!?!?!

anyway, this is what my children are doing to help get themselves ready..


* please note that i find the PTA to be a wonderful organization that does many lovely things for our school. i mean "fucking PTA" in the friendliest, most complimentary way.

bedtime story

what am i going to do with this child?

was sitting down to read bedtime stories tonight and both E and K got to choose one book. K picked maisy and so we read a delightful tale of maisy finding panda in the toy box. nice and simple.

it was E's turn next and what did he choose but his new children's bible. i had that feeling right away like things were going to get more complicated fast.

me: how nice, E! what would you like to read? the story of when God made the world?

E: no, i want to read about when jesus died.

now, E has been a bit obsessed with this story. and while i would have loved to have read the tale yet again, there was a look in his eyes tonight that made me nervous. still, i tried to remain hopeful.

me: we sure do read that one a lot. it is a pretty cool story, huh?

E: yeah, but mostly i like it because i'm really into that kind of thing.

uh oh

me: uuuuh...what kind of thing is that?

E: you know, like killing and death and stuff.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!

me: oh....

E: and i'm really into God, mommy...

i need some tequila.

sandbox fun

i walk out the back door to the sound of E and justin playing in the sandbox. immediately, i notice the whispering and giggling are happening again.

uh oh. i'm not ready for this.

of course, as they notice me noticing them they try to act all nonchalant like nothing's up. but since they are five year olds (not very good at being sneaky) and since i have eyes like a hawk i know there is definitely something going on.

"what's happening, boys? what's all the whispering about?"

no response. just mad giggling.

"are you guys telling secrets?"

more crazed giggles. oooh, they are being sooooo obvious.

"now remember, guys, secrets can be fun and are okay sometimes but naughty secrets are never okay." (i know this argument is kind of weak but it's the best i can do on the spur of the moment. )

surprisingly, my weird logic seems to have some effect. "okay, mommy..." says E with a sigh, and the boys step aside, revealing two pointed mounds in the sand.

"what are those?" i ask, but even as the words come out of my mouth i know i don't want to hear the answer.

their response comes in maniacal unison as they race away in a fit of more hysterics.

"BOOOOBIES!!!!!"

shit.

i have only myself to blame.

even if.

even if your week sucked and even if you choose to bake yourself a birthday cake because you didn't get one on your actual birthday and even if the kids want to help and it all feels a little bit crazy...

it is still not wise to pour yourself a drink while the children grease the pan.

big boy

look what somebody at our house learned yesterday!


isn't he just the picture of cuteness?

tgif

the children are crazy, the baby is clingy and the big boy is being a pest. we have to leave for school in 10 minutes , i haven't had breakfast yet, the @#%%! backspace key on my computer is broken and i just stuck my thumb in poop.


happy friday, everyone.

question

how old do you have to be before you're too old to kiss your mother on the lips?

okay, and then how old do you have to be before you're too old to kiss your mother on the neck?

because E has been really trying hard to plant one on me lately and i'm not sure how to feel.

i know, i know he's FIVE and who cares but it just feels weird when he leans in all lovey-like, draping his arms around my shoulders and gives me a "hey baby" look as he tries to softly kiss me right on the smackers. and i feel a little uncomfortable when he's snuggling on my lap and wants to nuzzle in my neck and give it tender kisses!

you will probably tell me to lay off the porn and i will say that has nothing to do with it! we don't even watch those movies til after he's in bed!

no really, how old is too old for kissing your mama's lips?

long time, much craziness

a week and a half and no post! wtf? is zoloft mom's life so together that nothing is worth blogging about?

au contraire, or however the hell you spell that damn phrase. this momma is living in a zoo!

it's been crazy over here, yo. we've started kindergarten and switched into high stress mode with M's job. i've been puked on in the middle of the night and kicked in the middle of the day. we've eaten way too many french fries and endured much too many tantrums.

i've been one tired, stressed, irritated bitch!

thankfully, along with the insanity come many stories. stay tuned for more posts soon.