is it really what's on the inside that counts?

E was like a little tornado as he came to give me a good night hug.

jumping from chair to chair, climbing up chair backs, springing onto the couch next to me then finally landing in my lap, all the time giggling wildly. (hey,was that a manic look i caught in his eyes? this was supposed to be bedtime!)

as he wrapped his arms around my neck to say good night, he pressed his flushed little face next to my ear and offered, in a crazed whisper:

"mommy! i'm an ALIEN inside!!!!!" then leaped to the floor and scurried off to bed.

and you know what? i believe him.

it just explains so much.

big boys in beds

look at these big boys in their new, big boy bunk bed!
i scored this bed on craigslist yesterday and M set it up today.

E, who has said all along that he wants nothing to do with the top bunk,
jumped up as soon as it was set up and hasn't been down since.

K, who i thought for sure would have a hard time
giving up the security of his cage crib,
declared, "I SWEEPING IN DIS BED TONIGHT WIF E!"
and that was the end of that.

and then there's me,
the one who couldn't wait to get her room back to herself after almost three years,
suddenly feeling that little twinge in my stomach that comes
from watching my children take another step towards growing up.

(sigh.)

update: it is 8:34, a half an hour since we said goodnight.
K has been out of bed 4 times to chase the dog,
(who he suddenly decided he can't sleep without),
to put his sippy cup on the floor,
to take off his socks
and to remind me that he is going to wake me up in the morning.
E has climbed down twice and has now determined that there is NO WAY
he can rest unless he is on the bottom bunk and is threatening to cry.

the twinge is gone.

young bride and groom share quiet moment together

dear dumbass,

i know the fact that i just told you i'm having a miscarriage makes you feel uncomfortable and you just want to say something, anything to make me feel better. but you know what? don't. i'd rather be left alone.

left alone. as in, i'd like to spend some time by myself.

no, i don't want to talk about it and i don't want you to try to force me to either, even if you "know exactly what (i'm) going through" because you "went through the exact same thing last year," or your sister did, or your neighbor's daughter, or whatever.

and i know you are just trying to be nice, but please do not tell me to " look at the bright side" or suggest that "maybe this was meant to be." that does not fucking help.

it does not help, either, for you to remind me that my pregnancy never really was viable since it's just a blighted ovum and so i'm not really losing a baby. you have no fucking idea what i'm losing.

and please, for the love of God, do not drop by my house unannounced. even if you have the most interesting tidbit you absolutely must tell me right now, please wait. or call ahead. actually no, just wait.

give me a hug, send me an email, tell me you'd love to talk when i'm ready and then just act like your normal self.

but if you can't do that then please, just leave me. the fuck. alone.

thanks.

ps. to the friends who got it right (chocolate, flowers and kind words are always right)... i love you.

pps update: uhhh... i think maybe this post for many of you was the equivalent of me pooping in your living room and then leaving without an explanation, right? i'm so sorry. sometimes i'm the one who's a dumbass. i wrote this in a pissed frenzy (in response to the insensitivity of just one or two people, really) and then posted, forgetting that real people in my life actually read this blog. if you're one of the ones who worried about me after reading this, please know i am doing much better now. (and if you want to call just to make sure, don't be frightened. )

200,50,000??

E: "mommy, how many seconds have i been alive?"

me: "ohhhhh... a lot, honey. i'm not sure i could count all of them."

E: "like two thousand fifty hundred?"

me: "no, more."

E: "like, one hundred thousand five hundred thousand?"

me: "no, even more than that."

E: "like...one hundred thousand thousand five ten fifty thousand thousand thousand thousand thousand thousand hundred?

(pause)

me: "yes."

E: "that's kind of what i thought."

awkward or awesome?

meeting your neighbor (with whom you only have a very casual, waving relationship and who you frequently see lounging in her front yard wearing only a nightgown as she plays with her 9 cats) in the grocery store and stopping for a little chat.

then, as you are about to say your goodbyes, your neighbor casually mentioning (in a very loud voice for the middle of the produce department) that she is "GETTING INTO PASSION PARTIES AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO HOST ONE AT YOUR HOUSE SOME TIME???"

followed by you mumbling something like, "yeah.. that sounds great..." (yet wondering how strange it would be to have your neighbor demonstrating the use of a "jelly clitteriffic" in your living room) as her face lights up.

and ending with her exclaiming, "WONDERFUL!! I'LL DROP SOME CATALOGS (which you know to be full of sex toys and dildos) BY YOUR HOUSE TOMORROW!"

so i can't decide.

weird? or totally great?

new culinary low

friends, i actually burned macaroni and cheese today.

burned.

macaroni and cheese.

what more is there to say?

oh, sweet innocence of youth

he has no idea why this hot dog is funny.

happy birthday, E!

look who turned six years old today!
(i am deciding to just think about the fun part about this fact
and not to linger too long on how these years have flown by and
how that makes me want to puke just a little bit. )

the day started on a celebratory note as we rang in the birthday
over sausages, eggs and toast. the children (especially K) were
jubilant after receiving the news that they
would not be eating cheerios and milk for the eighth morning in a row.

at breakfast K kept saying,
"when do we give E his BIKE?"
in a very loud, hard to ignore voice.
miraculously, E did not actually hear what his brother was saying but
we chose to open presents next, just to be safe.

E was delighted at the surprise gift of a new bike and
tried to make a case for staying home from school all day
just to practice riding it.

when i said, "that's fine, then mommy will just have to eat all those
chocolate cupcakes i made last night."
(secretly hoping somehow this would work out)
he was in the car within five minutes.

after school we headed to the park to test out the new ride
and to have a picnic of cheeseburgers and french fries with grandma c.

K, who didn't have a new ride, chased the bitch with a stick instead.

in the afternoon, while mommy rushed around frantically
trying to make the house look presentable/not stink for the party,
E relaxed on the couch with his comfy, new, batman neck pillow from auntie laura.

we ended the day with a backyard party filled with many of E's favorites:
people (neighbors), food (hot dogs, chips and chocolate cake)
and presents (weapons and star wars paraphenalia).

i'm no six year old, but i'd have to say it was a pretty damn good birthday.

drum set girl

K was counting family members.

"we have me... E... mommy... and daddy!" he paused, looking around.
then, "we used to have a sister but we don't have her anymore."

this was something new. i did a quick memory check. had i given birth to another child at one point and forgotten? no, definitely not. what then? was there something in our past that could have been mistaken as a sister that was now causing this conversation? i decided to dig deeper.

what was her name, K?

"hers name was drum set girl." (nodding) " she was fun. "

daddy caught wind of our convo and joined in.

"what did she look like?"

"oh, she have yewwow hair." (again, very confident.)

"oooh, yellow haired drumset girl! what happened to her?"

"she had to go bye bye. she was too bespensive."

and there you have it.

inspiration

friends, there is nothing more inspiring

than discovering a perfect thrift store jewel.

gff and i went out today for some second hand fun

and i scored these awesome old school pepsi superhero glasses for 99 cents apiece!

i can't decide whether to keep them or sell them,
but right now they're lined up on the counter

for me to gaze at their cloaked fineness and to gently caress their painted on tights.

damn, that wonder woman is hot.

i know, i know..

i haven't really been posting lately.

there are reasons, of course. here they are, no whining intended.

1. am completely uninspired. i think this has something to do with the fact that i have been stuck at home for most of the past three weeks. creative juices are just not flowing.

2. computer is broken. again. can you believe it? but this time i get an actual new one as a replacement. it's on its way.

3. gff and grandpa donut are here!! they got here on friday and are here for a week. and, since most of my posting is for them anyway, i'm taking it easy this week.


so i hope i'm back to normal soon and that you don't all leave during this little break.

crying all the time

we were enjoying an early evening picnic dinner on the lawn.

E, quite sleep deprived on this thursday night, was easily distracted from the meal and instead kept jumping up to grab a weapon and engage in some imaginary battle going on around us.

his little brother, of course, was quick to follow.

each time i would ask them to please for the love of god STOP
and each time they would whine back, "awwwwww, whyyyyyyyy mommmmyyy?" as though mine was the most ridiculous request they had ever heard.

i tolerated this as long as i could (approximately 2 minutes) before i lost my mind.

"E!" i snapped, "do you know that when you were two like your brother we didn't even let you have any weapons at all?!?!? nothing! no guns or swords or anything!!"

E stopped. K put down his chicken nugget machine gun. this was too crazy to be true.

M chimed in. "yeah,E! when you were two you didn't even know what a gun was!"

both boys looked back at us, very solemn and silent.

after a moment K said very seriously,

"oh.... and was E just crying all the time?"

silly me

when he said, "mommy, i want some peanut butter and jewwy"

i thought he meant that he wanted it with bread..

...not just to gnaw it off the top of the bread.