satellite blog

in an effort to expedite the purchase of my new computer, i threw my old one to the floor today.

no, that's just a lie.

really what happened is i accidentally dropped my computer when i was cleaning the kitchen after dinner. so i guess it's all fucked for real now.

thus i am blogging to you from a satellite location (M's computer) at present. i had to wait for him to be done working and now it's late so the funnies will have to wait until tomorrow.

you shouldn't be reading this blog anyway! don't you have holiday shopping to do or something?

baked potato jesus

look here!
it's potato jesus!

the children went to sunday school and came back with
their own baby jesus child,
fashioned out of a potato.
it was great!
they loved and hugged and cradled their baby,
they made beds for the little jesus
and tucked him in for the night.
it was so tender.

but now E has the grater out
and he has the idea that we should
peel and shred our baby jesus...

... and make him into potato latkes.

our day in pictures

(miraculously, my usb ports are now "unfucked". enjoy what should have been friday's post..)

6:30 a.m.

E wakes up early, clearly in an amazing mood, ready to start the day!
good morning, sunshine!

9:30
K prepares for the park...

10:15 a.m.
...where he will go directly to the sandbox and the digger, refusing to
allow anyone else to play with "my giant exahvader".

12:20 p.m.
on his way home from school it is obvious that a day of stimulating educational
activities has done nothing to improve E's mood.

1:30p.m.
but no worries, it's nothing a good, hard spanking and
some old fashioned housework can't fix.

3:25 p.m.
by the time K wakes up from his nap, it's nothing but
good times as they build a tent, eat some fresh fruit and hang out bare-assed in bed.

5:10 p.m.
daddy's home!
the children rush to daddy and clamor for his attention.
mommy, amazingly, is able to simultaneously center this picture and pour
herself a large shot of tequila .

6:02 p.m.
no real dinner tonight. it's movie night!
first course: pizza.
second course: popcorn
dessert: m&m's
all enjoyed in front of the television while mommy and daddy sit back and drool.

7:05 p.m.
all cleaned up and ready for bed!
what will we do when they can tell time and start to realize
that their real bedtime is actually an hour from now?

more problems

apparently, according to my very helpful husband, my usb ports are "fucked".

i believe this is the official computer-guy term.

i don't know much about computers, but i think the little problem with my usb ports might be stemming from the larger problem which is that my laptop is a "piece of shit".

no usb port= no pictures = no blog for now.

nope! the baked potato jesus story is just no good without a picture.

we'll see what happens. thankfully, M looooves to shop for new computer stuff so this problem might actually get fixed real quick! (fixed like "new computer" fixed, i hope!)

computer funkiness

my computer is acting kind of weird right now as i try to download pictures.

we are the blind leading the blind as we attempt to remedy the problem but i'm remaining positive! i'm confident that we are going to stumble on just the right combination of buttons to push to make all the glitches magically disappear.

stay tuned for cute pics coming soon!

thursday blah

we got home from the party at 11:30 last night and got up at the normal hour, as the boys show no mercy to their partied-out parents.

my dear children, although awake and out of their beds, were in distinctly unpleasant moods and bugging the crap out of me.

as we were headed out the door to school, K accidentally broke the christmas ornament E made to give to justin for christmas.

that's when all hell broke loose.

crying, wailing, whacking, screaming, pushing, shoving, boogers and snot rolling down faces. it was not a pretty sight.

of course my neighbor (justin's mom) was outside as i struggled to strap my out of control children into their carseats. her offspring were remarkably docile this morning and so when she yelled, "some days are worse than others, huh?" with a cheery smile on her face and a wave, i know she meant well and all but i just wanted to give her the finger and scream, "oh yeah?! if it weren't for the stupid ornament E made your son i wouldn't even be dealing with this shit!!" but i didn't think that would be very neighborly. or in the christmas spirit.

we did end up making it to school on time ( a miracle) and actually survived the day (another miracle) which was full of episodes like the one above.

and now i'm on the couch, sick and tired of my cold that i've had for almost two weeks now, exhausted and wishing this was the weekend and not sure if i can handle doing it all again tomorrow.

where's the love, ya'll?

so i get no comments on my last post? not even one?

maybe you thought i said E was dressing up as annakin's private parts and so this is the equivalent of an awkward pause in blog world.

whatev.

just thought i'd be kind and let you know that i have no post for you this evening as once again my presence was requested at a party. what a socialite trophy wife i am these days!

if you care, i should be back on the blogging saddle tomorrow. although i am a bit bored with my fodder these days. maybe i'll just go on hiatus. we'll see.

perhaps if i received lots and lots of juicy, slurpy comments from you i would feel inspired once again...

playdate fun

this time the phone convo was with my brother.

it was tricky, since at the same time E was having a playdate (i know, i know. i said i'd never do it again but then i did) with justin. in a desperate attempt to have a little adult chatting, i had shut the boys in E's room with strict instructions to play quietly and nicely.

all was going well until i suddenly realized that it was very quiet, perhaps too quiet in the play room.

i stood outside the door straining to hear a clue of what was happening inside.

nothing.

i debated whether i should take a peek. i listened again.

silence.

that's it. i was going in.

i burst through the door to find justin quietly rifling through the various treasure chests (read: boxes of junk) E keeps on top of his dresser. he looked slightly bored as he examined the assorted pieces of rock, old coins, crumpled up paper and forgotten art projects stored inside.

phew. that was harmless. i breathed a sigh of relief as i turned to look for E.

just then my eyes spotted an abandoned pair of undies on the floor.

oh shit.

i looked to my left and there encountered my son, sans pants and underpants, attempting to wiggle his little, naked frame into a pair of black tights.

"E! what are you doing?!" i worked to keep my voice calm.

he looked up, eyes innocent and wide.

"we're playing star wars, mommy."

oh, duh. i should have known. because that was soooooo obvious.

"um E, that's great. but remember that when you are having a play date you should always keep your underpants on. that's just a rule."

he gazed up at me with those sweet blue eyes again and said,

"but i had to take my underwear off, mommy."

did i dare ask?

"uh... why, E?"

"because, mommy...

... i'm dressing up as Annakin Private Parts."

oh.

um...is that annakin skywalker's brother or something?

i really need to brush up on my star wars knowledge...

(note: no picture included with this post for obvious reasons)

my latest craze

i have no time to blog because i have become a serious addict.

i am addicted, ADDICTED.

to what? you say. to craigslist and etsy, i say.

it all started with my family, who drew names and then decided the gift should cost no more than $30 and must be used. this thus renewed my obsession with the list of craig.

and in and effort to be a bit greener in my gift giving this year i took myself to an indie craft fair that was being held in my fair city a few weeks ago. i discovered that all the hipster craft girls list their stuff on etsy and so i checked it out... and have been checking it out with every single spare minute of my time since!

i have been sucked in! they are eating my brain!
you can find anything there! it's the greatest!
i spend hours!

(go there and check it out, if you must. but be warned, there is no turning back.)

the children are getting impatient with me. they liked having a mother who would talk with them sometimes and occasionally prepare them meals. they don't really know what to do with their computer zombie mommy who shoves bowls of cheerios in front of them and selects "continuous play" on the blues clues dvd.

just another sunday morning

i had all the clues. i just ignored them.

sleeping in until 7:00, pale skin, whiny boy, feeling cold despite four layers of clothes...

i saw it all but i still had to push it. so i loaded the kids into the car to drive M to work.

i heard K hiccuping in the back seat and felt nervous but brushed my fears aside. what could happen in a 5 minute car ride?

duh. (how long have i been a mother?)

i'll tell you what can happen.

puke can happen.

stinky cheerio puke all over the four layers of clothes, on the car seat and in the cracks of the car seat, spilling to the upholstery below, in his hair and on his shoes... that's what can happen.

now if someone would just tell me, please, how to clean it all up.

commando K

this is a first.

K and i were in the kitchen doing something, exactly what i cannot recall and is not at all important.

i noticed K was abnormally quiet. the constant chatter that normally streams from his mouth had momentarily ceased.

i looked over at him.

oh...

poopface.

(do your kids do this? they stop, mid-sentence, mid-conversation, mid-bite, mid-whatever and stand, mouth agape, eyes reddening and slightly watery as they strain to fill their pants? )

me: "hey buddy, looks like you have a poop! want mommy to change it?"

K:"no, mommy. i want to stand wiv it for a widdle bit."

this is K's latest thing. he dirties the diaper but then, because he is immersed in some other activity or maybe just doesn't want to be bothered, he prefers to wait a while until the diaper is changed, thus "standing wiv it". i, being the lazy mother that i am, oblige him this very readily.

i returned to my previous activity, happy to have a momentary reprieve.

but then,

K: "oh, mommy! what it doing?"

huh? i glanced up to find K standing confused as he stared at his pantleg.

K: "what it doing, mommy? what i got?"

as he began to walk toward me i saw, suddenly, that little pieces of poop were dropping out, one by one from the bottom of K's blue jeans.

what the..? was his diaper loose? how was this happening?

as more pooplets exited with each step i noticed that the front of K's pants were wet as well.

now this was a puzzle. what kind of crazy diaper experience was happening in those pants?

my mind raced backward as i attempted to recall the events of that morning. what had i been doing when i dressed K? had i been so distracted that i hadn't pulled those velcro tabs tight enough?

i grabbed K to check down his pants. and as another turd rolled to the floor i realized my mistake. it wasn't that i hadn't tightened the diaper enough...

i had completely forgotten to put the diaper on at all.



i guess it's finally time to wash that kitchen floor....

to my adoring public

let's get one thing straight.

i am ZOLOFT MOM. do we need to go over this? i am not "have all my shit together mom" or "i have lots of free time mom". so when i go a few days without posting this is usually because the shit (sometimes literal, sometimes figurative) has hit the fan in my house.

it also should be said, for those of you who don't really know me, that despite the fact that i am a zoloft mom i also have to be a "throw a lot of parties mom". (this is just part of my trophy wife job description.) these parties make me freak out and get really stressed, even though i love them after all is said and done. so during those times of insanity i also do not blog.

never fear, i will always return. there is just too much crazy shit that goes on in my life for me to stay quiet for very long.

playdate hell

woooo weeee!

we just got done with one of the worst playdates ...ever!

i got sprayed in the face with a hose, K yanked his little friend by the hair and his buddy almost pushed him off the porch. E and his friend were beating each other with light sabers and ended their time together slapping one another on the face and hurling legos at each other! and don't even get me started about the crazy tantrum that went down as everyone was leaving!

i hate playdates! they suck!

no more socialization for us. just reading our books on the couch. that's it.

bathtime distraction

(disclaimer: this post contains pictures of nastiness)

i was on the phone with my friend.

bathtime commotion (with M and kids) was happening all around me but i was tuning out the world.

in retrospect i suppose i have some recollection of a small, pantsless child bringing his kiddy potty into the kitchen along with the bathroom rug and setting them up in front of me.

and i guess i do recall that same child squatting in front of his potty and rambling something about "daddy say i do a poop for m&m!!!"

but i really wasn't paying attention.

note to self: when there is poop talk from a naked two-year-old one must always pay attention.

why husbands cannot be trusted with children

!!!!