it's getting old for all of us.

K: mommy, where is God?

me: he's everywhere, K.

K: oh! is he right here?

me: yup.

K: wif me?

me: yup, he is!

K: oh! can he pway wif me?

me: would that be fun, honey, if God played with you?

K: yeah.. because his knee is not owie.

and if you can't beat them...

get out the sprinkles..

the easter candy and the tube of spray frosting...

let them gorge themselves with as much as they want...

then sit back and wait...

for the sugar crash.

happy friday, everyone!

wishing you all a little peace and sanity
(however you can get it)
as you count down the hours until the weekend.

what's wrong with spanking, again?

i know we're not supposed to do it anymore, but i forget why.

it's just that sometimes it would be so satisfying to just give 'em a good, hard whack.


(p.s. never bring your already grouchy two year old to the park for a playdate when you are partially immobile and on crutches.)

potty training update

more overheard

E :"hey, K! let's play a game!"

K:"okay!"

E: "let's play that game where we put underwear on our heads and stuff socks in it and jump on mommy's bed!"

K: "okay! i wuv dat game!"

**************

what's more disturbing?

the game itself or the fact that i have no idea what they're talking about?

another reason why i go crazy

the eighth time out today.
(the first one was five minutes after we woke up.)
you can't see it, but his brother is having
a concurrent time out in the other room.

you also can't tell that they are both sobbing
as though their worlds are ending
as this picture is being taken.
all because one little brother
decided to scribble on the legs
of the older brother's darth vader picture.

i am reflecting on the fact that at 10 a.m. i considered
writing a post about how today was going so much better than yesterday.

that was weird.
must have been the drugs talking.

why i go crazy

me: "K, do you want milk or water with your lunch?"

K: "i want juice."

me: "no, do you want milk or water?"

K: "juice."

me (getting irritated but trying to remain calm): " we don't have juice. milk or water?!?"

K: "juice"

me: "ok, i'm going to pour you some milk"

K: " water."

me: "ok, here's your water"

K: " NOOOO, I WAAAANT MIIIIIIIIWLK!!!"

still stuck on the couch

knee is not better.

am pissed at M.

the dog just bit K.

house a mess around me.

no creative juices.

too fed up to post, anyway.

fourth

i'm trying not to take personally the order in which hugs were doled out tonight after the kids returned from grandma's.

it went something like this.

1. hug the dog
2. go next door to the neighbors' house, hug their baby
3. hug daddy (of course)

(brief interlude of picking up sticks, waving them at the dog, dressing up like a night in shining armor, etc. etc.)

4. hug mommy

fun with "crunches"

in an amazing development,
these children have been taken to their grandmother's house
for two nights to allow me
to rest on the couch with my foot up, watch trashy television
and read smutty magazines all day.

why didn't i sprain my knee sooner?
this is the best vacation i've had in years!

damn slide

this is the building

with the too steep steps
that the boys went up,
and the too steep slide
that E went down
but that scared the shit out out of K.

these are the steps
that i had to climb
to get to the boy
frozen at the top
of the too steep slide
that we both went down
much too fast
and sprained the shit out of my knee.

Capitalized: A Response

Well, it's been a fun weekend, hasn't it?

Thanks so much to all who came to my defense after my scathing review Friday. If I had any hurt feelings in the aftermath of the vicious coal- raking, they have since been replaced with the kind words many of you left as comments. Thanks for having a sister's back.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the short amount of Bite's review that was actually reviewish. I did, after all, intentionally submit my blog for an outsider's opinion. And so let's address the items that were not tainted by her bitterness.

1. Capitalization (or, my lack thereof): I never realized this was an issue! Is it really annoying? Let's vote and see what the results say.

2. Blog style: Sorry, haters. This ain't changing. Not in this lifetime, at least. First, I'm a dummy when it comes to computers. Posting and the occasional link are about all I can handle. How could I even begin to tackle installing a template? (And don't go suggesting I use one of those ready made blogger ones. Those things are worse to me than a blank white page.) Second, who has the time to sit and search for (let alone create!) those fancy templates? Pleez, if I had that kind of time I'd take a nap!

3. That brings me to the hottest topic which was my bio. My bio, of all things! My bio, the blurb I wrote in about 30 seconds as I took the leap into blog land.

I was stunned to discover that my short description of myself proved to be such an annoyance to so many. I guess, after reading it through their eyes, I can see how it might look like I'm a whiny, spoiled brat, ungrateful for what I have.

But this is the truth.

In my experience it is certainly not "en vogue" to be a mom who lets her shit hang out. On the contrary, I've been frustrated to find that my fellow mothers seem to be in a competition against each other, everyone clamoring to be the most perfect, the most coifed, the thinnest, the perkiest... you get the picture.

Day after day, I wonder what is wrong with me as I drag my rumpled ass to drop my son off at kindergarten and face the fresh, smiling faces of the other mothers as they drive up in their spotless SUV's, their well manicured children in tow. Is no one else exhausted, like me? It is rare and refreshing when I meet another mother who is open about her struggles in a stressed out life and willing to admit that she doesn't have everything together.

That's where I was coming from when I wrote my little blurb. I was just trying to show the other moms who might encounter my blog that it's okay if they're not perfect and to be the (blog) face of someone who really is not. I had no idea my words would be taken any other way.

So, I'm so sorry if I've offended.

I'll consider writing something different. But with the way my life goes, I might not get around to it for a few months or so.

ouch!

i guess this is what i get for offering my blog for review to a site whose url is iwilfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com

a while i found "ask and you shall receive" and thought they were a trip. so on a whim (and a glass of wine) i submitted my blog for some constructive criticism.

when my buzz wore off and i realized what i had done i got a bit nervous.

and when i started to realize how much they hate the mom blog i got a little terrified.

so today is the day that i found out what they actually think. and wow, did they let me know what they think.

i know it's all in good fun and i asked for it but this just comes at the end of a really shitty day.

again, it's iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com. go there if you want to know how much i suck.

but don't be late for our starbucks and tennis date in the morning!

overheard

hayden: "you're not cooler than me, right? we're the same cool."

E: "yeah, weeeellll.... we're the same cool but i'm just a little bit cooler than you."

hayden: "no, that's not fair! we're the same cool! everybody's cool in a different way, right?"

E: "yeah, but i'm kind of cooler because i watched the song 'everybody dance now'."

hayden: "oh... right."

so tame

ten minutes into the playdate and all was well.

E, K and playmate of the day hayden were all strapped into the back seat for the ride home.

the mood was (dare i say?) calm.

hayden, previously known to some as a "spirited child", was relaxed and making pleasant conversation.

this was certainly unexpected.

we turned onto one of the main thoroughfares leading home and hayden glanced up. i noticed he was intently studying the houses in the neighborhood as we passed by.

"heeeeyyy... " he began slowly, " i think i remember being here before...."

"do you maybe know someone who lives around here?" i asked, trying to help jog his memory.

"nooooo....." for a moment he looked puzzled.

suddenly his face lit up as he recalled the information he'd been searching for.

"i remember! we used to come here last year....when i was being tamed!"

tamed.

he said, "when i was being tamed."

and again, " i used to have to get tamed."

( i will pause to offer you a moment of quiet reflection.)

ok. now someone please tell me what the hell this child is talking about and where i can get some of this "taming" in my own life.

news flash

the zoloft mom house is speechless* this morning after discovering this headline.

thoughts?

reflections?

(* puzzled, horrified, nauseous or intrigued may also be used.)

you win some, you lose some

conversation number one: (last night. E and K are playing quietly in the living room as i attempt to assemble something that resembles dinner in the kitchen)

E: hey mommy, what are you making for dinner?

me: chicken and pasta.

E: oooooh, it smells great!

me: really?

E: yeah, i can't wait!!

K: i wuv pasta!

********************

conversation number two:(this morning. K is sitting on the couch. he is waking up slowly)

me: good morning, K!

K : nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno! (hurling his bobo in my direction)

me: oh, not a good morning yet?

K: NO! i going to stab you in da FACE!!!!!

darth balls

you all know how i hate the playdate.

so i'm not sure how it happened ( i think it was pre-childless weekend induced delirium) but i scheduled not one, but TWO playdates in my home this week.

the first of which was today.

on the ride home E and his little friend tobias were discussing
the various delights of the movie star wars.

tobias: "let's pretend we're star wars guys when we get home!"

E: "yeah, yeah!! i'll be annakin!!"

K (trying to hang with the big boys): "i gonna be wuke skywalkuh!"

tobias :"guys! guys! i'm gonna be darth balls!"

(what?!?!?)

we all stopped. i prayed to God that the small child was not saying what i thought he was saying.

tobias: "you know who darth balls is, don't you?"

i held my breath. my children looked confused.

"you know! darth balls!...like my balls!" (pointing toward his crotch)

i think i puked a little bit in my mouth as E and K stared at him silently, puzzled looks on their faces.

"your balls, like by your penis! isn't that funny? hahahahahahahahha!!!"

i don't exactly know what transpired next. the roar inside my head was too loud (what is haaaaaappening?!?!?) to pick up the remainder of the conversation as it deteriorated further into the gutter.

i think i managed to mumble something lame like 'we don't do potty talk at our house..' but mostly was just trying to concentrate on getting us all home asap.

not like home was any better...

my head was still reeling as we walked to the porch. i was lost in thought, anticipating the questions that were sure to come later and the inevitable incorporation of the new word "balls" into our everyday life.

i turned the key to the front door. tobias stepped inside first, stopped, sniffed the air and declared,

"heyyyyyy! your house has a STINKY smell!"

oh. my. word.

i'm pouring myself a shot of whiskey and hoping thursday's playdate starts a little more smoothly.

they're back.

if the computer's a-rockin'...

no posts for the next few days, as the sources of my inspiration have once again gone to their grandparents' house for the weekend.

in their absence i'll be looking to other places and activities for inspiration.

but this blog has no place for those stories.

and so... til monday.

just when i think i can't take any more...

...E melts my heart with this sweet card.
(that's "lov-mom" as in, " i love my mom.")

i guess i'll do the mom thing for one more day.

smell this

on sunday night i awoke to the sound of K (previously asleep next to me in bed) puking on my chest.

it was an isolated incident but even so, i did not get much in the way of sleep for the rest of the night.

yesterday was M's day off but i mostly dealt with a whiny, half-sick toddler at home while M bopped around on the errands we had planned to do together.

today M left early to go out of town for a meeting.

i just caught E trying to force K to smell his dirty underpants.

i am too tired to know what to do.

further evidence of my disgusting-ness

that's mold growing on K's pillowcase.

mold.

and what's worse is that i have no idea
how long it's been there
or when the pillowcase was last changed.

oh, and the pillow itself smelled grossly musty
and was a little bit damp.